Toddlers Guide to going out : By A. Toddler

Listen up buddies, huddle.  Yeah you at the back too, lets huddle and listen up.  This is important life stuff we be sharing here.

At times, parents will decide to take us out, into that big world place.  Like with everything we do we have rules and rules must be followed.

 It's important parents don't start off under any guise that this will be easy.  This will never ever be easy.  They got themselves into this mess and they can now deal with the repercussions.

Before we leave:

1. You'll see a bag, a big bag.  Mummy & Daddy can't leave the house without it.  In it you'll find a miniature world.  It has toys, nappies, wipes, nappy sacks, snacks, clothes.  All the good stuff.  Parents are playful creatures yet if we neglect to engage in games with them, they become lazy and bored and then they become destructive.  Now locate this bag, open it and....empty it.  Empty it good.  Done that?  Stay with us bro, you're not done yet.  Choose an item, or three and hide it.  Now we're talking.

2. Timing is everything.  Everything. You must be vigilant at all times, look out for the signs of departure such as rampant re-packing of the bag, shoes and coats going on.  Wait, wait for it. Now 1,2,3 SHIT. Doesn't that feel good? Flash that dimply smile, work it baby.  Now this is your shit.  You made it, you squeezed it.  Right now it's even warm.  They will try and take it! Why they think they can take it before we've finished rolling in it is beyond me, parents think in mysterious ways.  It's our job to rewire this thinking, to redirect these erranous ways.  Avoid being tackled.  Wriggle, squirm, kick and scream.  Now here comes the fresh one, all soft and clean.  No shit is complete without a wee.  Only ingrates will wee on a poo nappy.  They can take our nappies but they will never take our freedom,. Wee! that's it, right there.  If you have a willy, aim for the face dude! If you don't, even better.  It will make a nice warm little pool under you and you'll need clean clothes too! Bonus points!

In the Car

1. Some parents have brum brums.  You get put into this seat and get to stare at the back of a seat.  It's time to warm up those vocal chords my friends.  Wait until the vehicle is in motion and CRY. It's vital they focus their attention on you and not the brum brum.  Just before you arrive at your destination, sleep.  After all it's exhausting being a baby or ttoddler  This will then teach them the lesson of 'you put us in here now you work out how to get us out.  Without waking us'  This is a mental exercise and helps keep their logic and problem solving areas of the brain working and in tip top shape.

In the buggy

1. Excellent, your own set of wheels.   Check out the chrome on mine baby.  Yeah.  These are comfy as, comfy as i'm saying.  However, where's the fun, the effort in pushing one of these?  They hang their shopping on them, ruining the suspension and they're not concentrating on US. Rookie error on their part, it's okay.  The correction for this is simple.  CRY. If you cry hard enough and long enough they will pick you up.  This is more like it, now they have to carry us, jiggle us, shush us AND steer the buggy.  Their coordination skills are getting a thorough work out now.  If they're playing candy crush or if your mum is parked in the loos taking selfies there may be a delay in their reaction time.  Just cry harder.  Simples.  Cry like you're being tortured and look pleadingly to any passers by.  Give them your best 'rescue me!' look.  They then put the guilts on your parent and voila, we get the reaction.

2. When it's raining they use this absurd thing, like a bubble.  What the hell is that about?  Rain is good, it goes splishy splashy drip drop!  Yet for some reason, it starts to rain and parents get all flustered.  Resist.  Resist the bubble.  At all costs.  Don't they realise these come from baby hell?

Walking

1. If you're a walker, high five! When in buggy, demand to get out and walk.  If you complain loud enough they will release you from the restraints.  It's best to do this when they're in a hurry.  Rushing is bad for blood pressure and anxiety levels so it's intrinsic that we slow them down.  It's for their own good.  We need to take them back to basics.  Let them appreciate this here world.  For every 5 steps we take forward take 3 back.  Introduce them to the treasures the world has to offer like flowers, rocks and sticks.  Give them their own collection to hold and cherish.  There's so much to see! Birdies, clouds, an aeroplane, dog shit! The latter is a good one, the closer you get the more they squeal.  Hours of fun!

2.  Sometimes they need a little variety in life, try taking them the opposite way to which they were thinking.  It gets them so excited!

3.  Every five minutes demand 'up' , they need the reassurance of a cuddle.  They're get quite anxious when separated from us, physically.  Silly parents!

4. Be careful not to create a rod for your back, if we let them carry us all the time they will always want to carry us.  Be cruel to be kind.  Every 5 minutes of being carried alternate with demanding to be put down. Then utilise the model of rapid return and demand up again just so they don't get too distressed.  It's a long hard slog but we must keep it up if we want them to learn.

5. We decide when it's buggy time.  We are the authority here.  If they attempt to force our hand with an early return to it.... RUN.  Run like the wind.  Run to the hills.  They will chase, it's okay they may look like they can't breath but it's just exercise.  They need this.  If they get ahead of themselves, fall.  Immediately follow this with screams.  Not only will they rightfully get to feel bad, you get cuddles and if you've trained them right, chocolate!

In the sling

1. Too much of a good thing makes them complacent.  Complacency is a bad bad thing.  Parents thrive on unpredictability.  It keeps their wits sharp and their sanity strong.  We like the sling.  They like the sling.  But as much as we'd like to make this easy, it's our duty not to.

If they put it on prior to leaving, we're good to go.  It's comfy and snuggly.  If you're on their back you get to style their hair for them, snot makes great gel! You can even decorate it and prettify their hair with whatever they let you eat.  They will let you eat.  It's payment for not kicking and biting.  We've earned it.

2. If they keep stopping they'll never stay fit.  If they dare stop and join queues and what not, it's our job to remind them that this is unacceptable.  Stillness is laziness.  They stop moving, we start crying.  It's a bit like pinching them, they'll start to jiggle and move.  If they stop, cry again.  They need the reminder, the encouragement.

3. There's a secret babywearers look.  Mums and dads give it to others.  If you see another babywearer, it's reallllly important you smile back.  Alternatively, should you encounter one of those pesky none-believers you need to help your parents demonstrate how easy it all is.  Pretend you're being tortured, I know it's hard but it's important.  It's necessary.  Pretend the lovely comfy sling is a contraption of terror.  It's important our parents get to relate an array if emotions, this one will trigger embarrassment.  It's a very productive emotion.  Funny too.  Now we have their attention lets demonstrate the safety of the sling, we know and they know that we're safe but we must enlighten the none believers.  Lean it to the right, lean it to the left and throw yourself back.  This gives the none believer a rare glimpse into just how secure we are.

4.  It's inevitable we'll be in and out of the sling whilst out.  People will stare, those none believers.  If our parents make it look too easy, people will get bored.  Our job here is to entertain.  To make them think on the spot.  Challenge them.  We must disguise how easy it all is and make it appear as awkward as possible.  The more flustered they get the longer it will take them to put us back in the sling and the more people get to watch.  Fidget, flail, whinge, squirm and struggle.  This is your moment to shine.  If you make it too hard they'll give up, we must reward their efforts.  Once secure and comfy, snuggle up.  It's of utmost importance you wait until you're alone and nobodies watching, then fall asleep.  It's safe now.  Your work is done.  It's exhausting work.  Relax.

In the shops

1. You get to ride in a big shiny trolley!  You gain extra height and increased reach.  Shopping is a tiring activity so it's our job to help poor old Mummy & Daddy.  We must put things in the trolley.  It doesn't matter what, get anything.  They're too self absorbed to notice or appreciate our help but the quicker we help fill the trolley the sooner we can all go home.  They make appear thankless, but it's okay.  We know we've helped and that's what's important.

2. If you feel they're taking too long, to recapture their attention try filling your nappy, it helps give them a change of scenery.  You could also remind them that you're hungry.  Really really HUNGRY.  A break is as good as a holiday.  By the time they've fed or changed us they'll have a renewed sense of focus.

3. Smile sweetly at the other shoppers.  Work it, work it baby.  Smile with your eyes.  Draw those suckers in.  You're beautiful.  You're adorable.  This means you will get more public support when your parents wrongly decide you can't have that new toy and you have to teach them a lesson by acting broken.  How dare your parents upset such a lovely child the shoppers will think.  Parents are the bad guys here and this will ensure everybody realises how mean they are.

On the Potty

Sometimes when we're out, Mummy & Daddy can really try and take advantage of our good nature.  They will say we have no time to chase pigeons, no time to go round the pet shop and no time to go round the toy shop yet plenty of time to go round their shops.  Remember too much of a good thing is bad for them.  We must teach them restraint.  If they've been looking in their boring shops for too long, it's time to go wee wee.  Trust me, they won't make you wait too long.

Once in the toilet:

1. They'll probably want to wee too, now is time to ask them questions so they don't get bored sat on the toilet.  It's important to ask them loudly because sometimes they pretend they can't hear us and don't answer.  Good questions include:

a) "Are you pooing Mummy?"
b) "Why is your front bum so hairy? / why is your willy so hairy?"
c) "Why does it smell so yucky?"
d) "Why are you opening sweeties in the toilet?"
e) "Why are you putting nappies in your knickers?"
f)  "You pumped!"

2. There's a great toy in here, it lets you pull paper out sheet by sheet! You have to see how many sheets you can pull out before Mummy/Daddy finishes weeing.

On the bus

1. You have a captured audience here.  This is the perfect opportunity to practice your new words.  to showcase them to your parents.  The special words that you have to be really grown up and clever to use.  they will be so proud! Start slowly and ease your way in with 'hiya', 'mama' and then wow them with 'shit'.  Watch your parents glow with pride!

2. If you've been talking a while, you can use your ability to help stop mum and dad becoming bored on the bus.  Keep them occupied otherwise they'll get bored and when parents get bored they get naughty.  Ask them questions about your surroundings like 'why does that lady have a beard?' 'why is that man so fat?' and 'why does that person smell so yuck?' it will increase their awareness of their surroundings and help them practice their talking.