36+3

You must forgive my recent lull in posting, I'm a sun hater at the very best of times yet this hatred reaches new heights when I'm pregnant.  Summer is not fun.  I'm a huge, mobility challenged (due to pain), angry pregzillah.

I've been virtually housebound for a few months now.  The SPD and spinal pain makes movement difficult and painful.  Thankfully it would appear that my blood pressure is behaving in this pregnancy, my last two pregnancies, by this point, I was having to make frequent trips to the hospital to be monitored for BP that would fluctuate up then back down again.  This means for the first time ever, I'm still en route to giving birth in the birthing centre and may actually, finally, get my water birth!  Usually my BP, BMI, blood disorders etc have ensured I've been consultant led yet this time, a consultant has seen no reason for me to be high risk.  I'm not holding my breath however, a lot can happen in the last few weeks.

I'll admit I'm a little worried that bump was at first measuring big and appears to be shrinking yet the Midwife has put it down to the first measurement being taken on a firm clinic bed and the next two on the sofa at home.  Her reasoning is plausible yet I can't help but worry.

The dreaded floaters have been around constantly for the past two months or so, and the past few days have been plagued with headaches.  Fun.

This pregnancy has been somewhat strange.  It hasn't quite felt real and as always it's lonely.  I've never had friends to excite over it with, to experience it with.  The Spawn are excited in bouts yet it's never really real for The Husband until the head is poking out.  In previous pregnancies I've been very active on birth boards and moderated them so gone through the experience as a member of a cyber pregnant army of hormones.  This time however, I've steered clear having neither the mental capacity nor energy to deal with all the inevitable fall outs and dramas that always accompany large groups of hormonal woman. On  the flip side though, it also removes the cyber sense of belonging and support.  As a result my pregnancy feels almost as insignificant as myself.  There's nobody to celebrate it with, to plan things with, to worry over things with to just experience it with.

Did I mention that i'm piling the weight on too seeing as I'm getting very little exercise other than virtually living on my birthing ball and seem incapable of not stuffing my face.

I'm torn between being over pregnancy already, I can barely do anything and my unmedicated moods are somewhat difficult and incredibly mercurial.  I can't go anywhere with The Spawn and even standing up feels like my back is going to snap.  Yet, I'm acutely aware that this is my last ever pregnancy.  I will never go through this magical process again.  Never again will I feel the movement and kicks and grow a bump.  Never.  I find this incredibly heart wrenching.  I feel i'm doing the pregnancy a disservice through not enjoying or celebrating it more.

I'm happy that despite having an anterior placenta again (like with Thing One & Thing Two) I do feel her movements, even now at 36+ they make me smile and giggle.  Yes, giggle.

The stubborn little madame had been a little quite the other day which meant an anxious insomniac me downing cold water in the middle of the night and poking my bump.  In the end I resorted to the doppler, something I rarely use.  Satisfied she was still in there, it pissed her off enough to make her move too.

I'm receiving ante-natal care at home again, due to the discomfort.  Surprisingly the MW has agreed to attempt a sweep at 39+ (probably 39+5).  I had an early sweep with The Preschooler due to naughty BP and pain, I was 39+3 and surprisingly 4-5cm.  It's not that I want to evict her, not at all.  I just want to walk more again and be able to stand up / roll over without being in agony.  A sweep is as far as I'll go though, unless medically essential, I'd not agree to an induction before my due date.  Once an induction is started, no matter how unready your body is you have to see it through.  A sweep has a 50% chance of success, if you're ready it will work and if you're not it won't .  Granted all three of my previous labours have been started with a sweep so my body seems to react well to them.

3.5 weeks till my due date.  How can that feel so near and yet also so untouchably far away?

Nappies and clothes are all washed yet there's still bits and bats I need.  My hospital bag is only 60% complete.

Perhaps the biggest change still to comes is that The Preschooler still co-sleeps with me.  He still has the bedside cot though he ends up on my mattress.  I can't imagine him not being next to me.  We rejigged the bedrooms some time ago, bought bunk beds for him and Thing Two yet it's never been the 'right' time.  I still need to buy some storage for his clothes, a nightlight and some bedding.  I'm terrified he'll feel he's being evicted due to the baby yet at the same time he is excited to be sharing a room with Thing Two and we have been speaking about it for many months.  I guess worse case scenario would be going into labour early and him still being in the bedside cot!  It's a good job I have no history whatsoever of going into labour a)  spontaneously b) early.

I'll admit i'm at times crippled with anxiety.  I'm scared it will be another sudden and quick labour like with The Preschooler that went from nothing to agony out of nowhere. I'm scared that The Inlaws won't get here in time to look after The Spawn (like us they're none drivers and they live about 20-30m away by taxi) and I'll have to go to the hospital alone.  What if they're not even home when I go into labour? What if it's the middle of the night? Another reason for an early sweep is because of the excruciating anxiety, at least this will give us a possible 48 hour window to have them on standby.  I'm scared of there being meconium again, with The Preschooler it was grade 3. My waters have never broken on their own, but with my last two as soon as the MW broke them my babies literally slipped out. The Preschooler as whisked away after a few minutes, what if she needs help? What if this happens before the ambulance gets here?  On the other hand what if labour goes the other way and it's long, my last two were intense and short, how will I cope?   I can't stop panicking over what if's.  I can't relax because I'm far too worried about The Spawn and how dependent we are on none driving relatives from a different county. It's the summer holidays so all The Spawn are at home. At least them being at school would have given them some leeway. I'm terrified of being alone.  I'm scared of The Spawns reactions they're massive worriers.  They'll worry if they see me in pain and they'll worry when I go to hospital.  If I have to stay in hospital afterwards like I have every other time, I know The Preschooler won't really sleep.

I'm also hyper aware of how shit the summer holidays are going to be for The Spawn.  We're absolutely skint.  We can't go anywhere or do anything as even a trip to a decent park is several miles on foot in this horrific heat with no shelter or else nearly £10 in bus fares, just to get to a park.  Obviously that would be going without me as I can't really walk far without being in agony.  We usually have a day out in Blackpool for their birthdays (both birthdays will be massively disrupted either by a nearly immobile mum or a newborn!) but that is impossible this year.  We can't even have a paddling pool as we have no outdoor tap and we've never managed to find an adapter to fit a hose to our awkward kitchen tap.  It takes forever to fill a tiny one with pans of water and with Three Spawn a tiny one wouldn't cut it anyway.  In the past Things One & Two spend a day a week each at My Parents with several sleepovers too but this year that too is impossible due to various parent related reasons.

The icing on the cake?  The one thing that entertains them in the garden is the trampoline, which has chosen now to need new springs.

So yes i'm currently feeling somewhat of a failure.  I fail at being pregnant.  I fail at motherhood whilst pregnant and thus have three irritable and bored spawn and I fail (even more than usual) at being a wife as the poor husband is quite literally doing everything other than the cooking.  Judging by the inside of my head I'm pretty much failing at existing too.  Did I forget the obvious?  I'm failing at blogging too judging by the lack of erm...well...blogging that I've been doing.

Happy days.

3.5 weeks.  Terrified? yes.  Excited?  Yes.  As soon as she's born time starts ticking, her firsts become our lasts.  I'm already so in love with her and I've not even met her yet.  My fourth and final baby.  The one that The Husband said we'd never have.

I've been taking ye olde raspberry leaf capsules for a while now, I know many dismiss them as hocus pocus but from my experience, my second stage of labours have been incredibly quick and efficient which I believe has been helped by taking them.  At 37 weeks i'll start the Evening Primrose Oil too as again, from previous experience, they've really helped to soften an efface my cervix which I attribute to the success of previous sweeps.

3.5 weeks.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.