Empty.

What happens when you have no idea who you really are?  We’re not talking basics such as name, address, history etc we’re talking the inside part, the part that makes you, you.  What do you do when you stare into the abyss that is self only to see, nothing?  Imagine you’re introducing yourself to someone yet you genuinely have nothing to say about yourself.  Nothing to offer anyone.  Empty.

It can be exhausting trying to be somebody, anybody, trying to fill this cold void inside.  You try on different you’s hanging in a ‘to rent’ closet yet they’re uncomfortable and none of them ever quite fit yet it’s imperceptible to anyone other than you.  After a while they become grossly uncomfortable, cumbersome and so hard to wear.  You try and shed the layers yet it’s so cold when there’s nothing underneath them.

So when the energy runs out, you retreat.  Somewhere where you don’t exist and nor do you have to. 

For me this is when my obsessions take over, insignificant obsessions that temporarily consume me, such as reading an entire series of books in a few days or watching several series of the same programme back to back over a few days.  A different world, where you cease to have to exist, where you can disappear.  Sleep becomes overrated as the next fix needs to be had then the feeling of being absolutely bereft when it ends and there’s simply….no more.  The emptiness is overwhelming.  

You need to fill up the soul vacancy again…with something.  You need to try and be someone again.

& the white noise inside my head is deafening.