You know you're a mum when...

1. You sniff your babies bum to see if they've poo'd
2. If the latter proved inconclusive and it's dark, you do the finger test (and pray to the gods it's negative)
3. You've had poo (not yours) under your fingernails
4. You've caught vomit (not yours) in your hand to save bedding/clothes
5. You make up random songs about the most mundane things to try and coerce your toddler into doing something.
6. If the song fails you end up inventing obscure sound effects to the act you want them to partake in.
7. You're a master of bribery
8. It's only 10am and you're wondering if you can get away with downing vodka if it's disguised in a coffee mug.
9.You frequently have company in the bathroom when all you want is to shit in peace.
10. You get through the day and realise at some point, hours before, you forgot to put your boobs away after a feed (and have probably answered the door)
11. You pick boogers, that aren't your own.