Have you ever looked back to when you were a little girl?  When you knew exactly how your wedding would be and you'd already named all your kids?  Then you have a real wedding and real children and everything changes.

I love naming. I love names.  Even though I know I shouldn't, as soon as those two lines stare at me my mind is already making name lists.  Generally by the 20 week scan we have our names sorted and as soon as we find out the gender, baby is named.  Occasionally we'll change or rearrange a middle name yet for the most part, that is the name our child keeps.

However, once you've got past the first trimester you realise that it's not just up to you, oh no, him indoors has a say too.  This wouldn't be so bad if they actually contributed something other then 'No' to every possible name you suggest.

With each pregnancy, our short list of names have been entirely different.  As far as I can remember there has only been one first name that has appeared on the shortlist for two different babies and The Husband said absolutely no both times.  He's an arse like that.

His sole contributions have been 'Lucy' for a girl and 'Kurgen' for a boy.  Every time.  Everytime I say no to the first (lovely name yet my first dog was called Lucy) and no to the second because cool The Highlander connotations aside, it's ugly and crap.

Moomin already has her name.  Sorry but I won't be sharing it as the kids have a right to anonymity on here.

It's not like I don't give The Husband enough choice, seeing his own lack on input yet quickness to discount my suggestions.  Indeed when pregnant with The Preschooler I gave him a long and varied list.  He either straight out vetoed a name with no excuse nor reason given or else he would offer the most tremendously obscure reasons ever.  I'll share some with you but i'll omit the names the comments relate to, you know, because one of your kids probably has one of the names.

"Albatross"

"Sounds like a tropical disease"

"Too biblical"

"One of my cousins (that we never see) has an adopted daughter (that we never see) called that"

"It makes me think of Salmonella"

"It's a cat's name"

"It's a doll from playschool"

"It's a 'nothing' name"

"Too Welsh"

"Too celebrity"

"Too predictable"

"Sounds like a skin disorder"

"A dog's name"

"That was name name of Rocky's wife and she was a shit character"

"Too boring"

"Something to do with a serial killer"

"Too stuck up"

"Too royal"

"Too boring"

"Too much like a stone"

"Too much like a daft bint from X-Factor"

" *just laughter*"

"Too Hollywood"

"Too hilarious"

"Too normal"

"Sounds like a waiter"

"Too Scottish"

"Too poncy"

"Too Swedish"

"Reminds him of Cher"

"Sounds like it should have Fever after"

See what I was up against?

So what do you take into account when naming your child?  Below are some of the questions you should perhaps mull over in your mind when choosing names:

1. Do I know anyone with that name? Do I like that person?

2. Have I ever shagged anyone with that name?

3. Have I ever had a pet with that name?

4. Does it mean 'evil git' or 'Wanton Whore' in some ancient language?

5. Does it spell something gross backwards?

6. How easy is it for someone to butcher the spelling of it?

7. Will my child have to forever spell it out to people?

8. How easy is it for people to fuck up the pronunciation of it?

9. Is there a particular pronunciation of it that I despise?

10. Have I ever met someone I absolutely abhor with that name?

11. Does my partner have an ex with that name?

12. What is it most likely to be shortened too by annoying cretins who insist on shortening names?

13.  Is my child likely to be in a classroom when they're older with several peers with the same name?

14. Would it make a good name for a film star? Prime Minister? Nurse? Bin man? Check out assistant?  News reader? Scientist? etc.

15.  Does it sound porny?

16. If you have other kids, can they pronounce the name? 

17. Does it rhyme with anything negative?

18.  Do the initials spell out anything obvious like BJ, STD or SEX?

19. Can you imagine yourself shouting it across the park?

20. After all that, do you actually still like it?

There have always been some personal pet hates I've had with names:

1. When people purposefully fuck with the spelling to make it 'cool' (this doesn't include legitimate alternative spellings)  Stop bastardising the names, if you don't like it choose something different!  A 'unique' spelling doesn't say 'this child is cool' it says 'this child has illiterate fuckwits for parents'  Stop swapping I's for Y's etc.  You may as well give them 'Jezza Kyle Fodder' for a middle name.  Remember when trying to define your future child, your name choice can say more about you than them!

2.  Choosing a full name when you have no actual intention of ever calling them anything other than the shortened version of it.  Ever. If the shortened version is name enough to use, then have it as their given name!

3.  People who choose a name yet can't actually pronounce it.  I came across a story of a child called Siobhan.  Her teacher naturally called her Siobhan (sh-vaun) until the parents corrected her, apparently their daughter was called Siobhan as in 'Si-o-ban'

4. The name Nenvaeh.

So Moomin is my last baby yet I still have so many names I need to use, oh well...better start buying some more cats then!

Changing Rooms

The time draws ever near to eviction, or so The Husband threatens though I'll admit I've done a terribly good job of evading it so far.  The Toddler, you have been evicted, please leave the big bedroom, is along the lines The Husband is thinking for you see, The Husband doesn't do co-sleeping so instead chooses to sleep on the sofa for several years.  However, seeing as he has decreed that The Toddler is indeed our last baby (can you hear my womb weep?  My eggs are trembling and distraught) I'm in no hurry to do anything and indeed am quite grateful that he appears to be a very young 3.5 yr old (unlike Thing Two who I often suspect was born a forty year old)  He doesn't sleep through yet and still breastfeeds throughout the night (& day).  Oh believe me I've attempted to remedy the latter yet it risks waking the entire county and I am loathe to force night weaning as when they're ready it is quite effortless, he obviously on some instinctive level needs it still and my job as a mother is to support his needs.  So to plant him in a room with Thing One or Two would hardly be fair on them.

The other thing The Husband conveniently neglects to consider is the nightmare logistics involved for you see it's not quite as simple as putting him in a room with a sibling.  It would make sense for The Toddler to share with Thing One (male, 9yrs) Yet to be blunt, they fight like cat and dog.  The there's Thing Two (female, nearly 7) who has the box room and is terribly pissed off that a) she has the box room b)cant share a room with me c) has to sleep alone.  Incidentally The Toddler rather adores Thing Two and when in the mood she is effortlessly brilliant with him.  Yet due to the obvious gender difference a long term solution of them sharing would probably be far from ideal so we've had the somewhat grandiose plan of letting The Toddler and Thing Two share for a few years then have The Toddler and Thing One share.  Still with me? terrific....because it doesn't stop there.

In order to action the plan it involves Thing One and Thing Two swapping bedrooms for a few years.  However, Thing One (unlike The Toddler who is rather partial to pink) point blank refuses to reside in a pink room.  Thing Two's room is, you've guessed it, pink.  Pink walls, pink curtains, pink blind and pink carpet. So firstly we'd have to redecorate the room, including replacing the carpet.  Then there's Thing One's lair, which is terribly scruffy with a bed that is literally held together by Heathen prayers and witchcraft.  We's need to redecorate this room too and then buy bunk beds with mattresses.  Bloody nora.  All this on a shoestring budget of erm....nothing.  Can you see my eyes rolling?  They're lodged in the back of my skull they rolled that far.

Thing One is vying for a red room, an absolute and definitive not on your fucking Nelly, seeing as he has The Husbands diabolical temper already.  Thing Two and The Toddler are rather hoping for orange.  Yes orange.  Indeed.  Do you see what I have to work with?

Thing Two would be immensely chuffed with a personalised room in some format seeing as the poor bugger has a gorgeous yet unique name meaning no personalised off the shelf adornments for her.  Ever. Oops.  Parent fail.  Sorry Thing Two, Sorry God (& Fuck you Coca Cola).  Granted there are many wonderful handmade customised things that are superbly darling yet frightfully out of budget that could perhaps be replicated had I a single craft bone within my being, which I don't. Not even a little one, not even at all. Arse.

Here comes my genius moment, are you ready?  Are you dazzled by the lightbulb beacon glowing above my head? Stencils.  Yes, stencils.  How utterly brilliant is that and before you get overexcited about the prospect of me artfully making such things.  Stop.  Remember?  I'm craft inept.  So it's lucky there are places out there such as Stencil Warehouse who you guessed it, sell pre-made stencils.  I'm thrilled, how is it for you?  Better still, they do Alphabet Stencils.  I have images of stenciling her name, emblazoned across an entire wall in her room, with the aid of spray cans, which seem infinitely more fun and easier then brushes, right?  I could even expand on that with a flurry of stenciled butterflies around it then The Toddler can have a transport theme and his name stenciled on another wall.  Jobs a good 'un.  How wrong could this possibly go? Sometimes, I amaze myself with my own genius.  I think I need a sit down and a large gin to recover.

The only problem would be The Husband having to restrain me from erm.... 'decorating' the rest of the house seeing as the possibilities are endless...my artistic vision renders me so misunderstood.

Yet for now, The Toddler will remain with me with our night time cuddles and the lullaby of his little breaths soothing my soul whilst The Husband, with prickly stubble and gnarly feet, can remain downstairs a while longer.