There's something about being a parent that makes you want to create memories to Cherish.  You want your spawn to grow up with fond recollections of what you did and to see them carry it on.  Traditions.  You want to make traditions.

The problem with traditions however is that you have to commit to them, like the pig did to a cooked breakfast. 

Think about it.  Every year.

When I was a kid my parents never went hugely festive.  Sure we had the tree etc but other than three things everything else was more rules than tradition such as no going into the lounge until everyone is awake and no opening presents until the dog had been let out in the garden to pee and a tea tray was ready.   When we were all older The Mother tried to replace the every man for himself with an elongated process of taking turns to open one present at a time.  Now I'm a parent I totally understand the wanting to see everything part but as a child ... who wants to watch everyone else let alone have everyone bog at you every time you own something forcing you to display over exaggerated expressions of gratitude for socks.

So let's talk about some of the traditions I've come across, we're not talking cultural ones we're just talking common popular, well known ones.   Before I get stuck in,  I'm not dissing them per se, I just can't relate to them.  So wind your necks in,  If it works for you.... I'm glad, possibly even envious.  I never said I wasn't a Grinch.

Pyjamas

I won't even pretend to understand the relevance of new PJ'S on Christmas Eve.  Apparently it's a 'thing'. A very popular thing even.  To me however it's just alien.

Stocking

I've never in my life had a Christmas stocking.  Ever.  Neither have The Spawn. In fact I think if they found some new underwear, chocolate coins and a toothbrush in the bottom of a giant Xmas sock their 'WTF?!' Reaction would be warranted. 

Elf on a shelf

The creepy little fucker that gets up to all kinds of stuff that if your kids ever did they'd get bollocked for whilst the parents Facebook all the scenes they spent their evening setting up to try and out-elf all the other parents on the Internet and win the precocious Pinterest crown.  The elf then pisses off back home on Christmas Eve. 

Ok so I admit.  The Dude would possibly find this hilarious.  Maybe.  But think about it... That's 24 different stunts or pranks every December for years. I'd end up hanging it with a noose.

Not to mention it's another little sod you have to clean up after. 

Christmas Eve boxes

A lovely idea.  No, really.  I'm not even being sarcastic here.  Seriously. 

If you have one child.

Or a fat wallet.

I was going to do one this year but I'd either have to replicate everything four times or else endure a real life Hunger Games as The Spawn battle it out.

Gifts for teachers

Just no. They get paid. Plus it's never just 'a' teacher these days.  It's three part timers and leagues of Teaching Assistants. Not to mention the Dinner Ladies, caretaker and office staff.  We're skint and I'm scrooge. Bite me.

Gingerbread houses.

There isn't enough gin or prozac in the world to make me endure the masochistic task of attempting this with The Spawn and the ones you buy and assemble taste like shit.

So what do we do tradition wise here? !

Santa Snacks

Who doesn't?  No wonder he's obese.  Surely leaving out a snack and drink for Mr C and a carrot for Rudolph is the law?

Christmas Lanterns

Two years ago The Spawn decorated some jam jars with tissue paper and glue.  We put a tea light (which my phone just tried to auto correct to Taliban... How absurd,  they wouldn't fit) in them.  We leave these next to the santa snack to glow and guide him to our home.

Pillowcases

As a kid we left Pillowcases out in our room and Santa would collect them,  fill them with presents and leave them in the lounge.   I have The Spawn do the same.

Reindeer food

I'd never heard of this until the inlaws bought The Spawn some from a charity shop a few years ago.  Every year since I fill bags with oats and glitter and the kids sprinkle out the front door (and all over the bastard carpet.  Gits. )

End of bed present

When I was a child, every year,  Santa would leave us a present on the end of our beds which The Parents geniusly named 'The End Of Bed Present'  catchy isn't it?  It was usually an annual.  The reason behind it was to keep us occupied (aka quiet) until everyone was awake and we were allowed downstairs.  This is something we've carried on with a The Spawn.

Chocolate Fingers

As a child, we always scoffed chocolate fingers for breakfast as we opened presents.   Whenever I remember I buy them too for Christmas morning.

Tree presents

Another from my childhood.  Every year my mum would buy us all a small gift which went on the tree. They'd stay there until New Years Day when they'd be placed next to our cutlery and a Christmas cracker at the dinner table.  Sure enough there's currently 5 presents (I don't bother getting myself one) on our tree.

There's so many cute ideas out there such as sooty/snowy footprints but like I said,  It's the commitmaent thing (and the mess)

I always thought I'd let each spawn choose a new Christmas bauble each year yet I never seemed to have the money at the right time and after the first year of parenthood passed it seemed daft to implement it randomly. 

What are your Christmas Traditions?  Did you create them yourself or are they from your own childhood? Are there any you regret starting or any you wish you had started?

Bah Humbug!

As a family we're not ones for traditions as such, especially Christmas ones probably due to our cynical and hermetic nature.  We don't have any accessible family or friends so parties and gatherings to commiserate celebrate the festivities aren't an option, which is probably for the best seeing as we lack the party gene.

The whole Santa shebang is proving somewhat interesting seeing as Thing One is incredibly unconvinced he exists, despite rather hoping he does, whilst being awfully crap at keeping his opinion to himself.  On the other hand if you so much as hint at relaying any questionable behaviour to Santa, The Toddler turns on the full waterworks.  Then there's the random Santa's dotted around that The Spawn have deduced that they're all fake cue a rather complex explanation from us about how there are so many children in the world and Santa is so incredibly busy that he couldn''t possibly be everywhere at once and prepare for Christmas Eve so he hires special helpers to help with his appearances, yet they're indeed sanctioned by Santa and carry his blessing. Phew.

Then there's the terribly virulent Elf on a Shelf fad that seems to be sweeping across the festive period.   The idea appears to be a toy elf that arrived at your house for advent and comes alive at night when everyone is asleep, basically being a naughty little shit.  I admit I struggle grasping the logic behind this, parents spend the entire of December instilling the necessity of good behaviour into their Spawn for Santa yet Santa sends them this little cretin who gets up to all kinds of bollocks and their bad behaviour is supposed to be funny and quaint? Oh the hypocrisy and mixed messages.  It also appears to have kick started a competitive streak among parents seeing who can pin the most creatively naughty antics their elf (yes theirs, not really the children's elf at all, admit it)   Besides any temptation that may have attempted to bewitch me into participating would be a dead duck seeing as the cynical spawn wouldn't buy the whole coming to life at night thing for a second.

I'm rather enchanted with the idea of Christmas Eve pajamas yet also a tad bemused, surely they'd be better being given at the beginning of December?  I'll readily admit to genuinely not understanding the whole Christmas themed brand new pj's .... the night before Christmas?

So what are our traditions?

* On Christmas eve for tea, we have a takeaway.  Preferably an Indian.  The children love it and it makes me somewhat less sulky about all the cooking I have to do on Christmas day.

* On Christmas eve we track Santa on the computer, sprinkle reindeer food outside, light our christmas jam-jar lanterns to guide Santa to our home and leave out the prescribed drink and snack for him.

* We don't do stockings, neither did my parents when I was a child.  I've never had the whole satsuma, toothbrush and new undies shenanigans.  Instead, like me and my siblings, The Spawn leave out a pillowcase for Santa to fill with their presents.  They leave it on the end of their bed, Santa brings it downstairs.

* Santa leaves an 'end of bed present'.  Again this is stolen from my own childhood.  It's usually an annual and gives The Spawn something to open when they awaken and will keep them occupied for a while.

* Nobody is allowed downstairs where all the presents are until everyone is awake.

* Again from my childhood, we eat Cadburys chocolate fingers as we open our presents.

* Boxing day dinner is always a miniature Xmas dinner made from leftovers.

* We have 'tree presents', another one from my childhood.  This is one small token gift each that stays on the tree until New Years Day dinner, they will be set on the table with the cutlery and crackers.

That is about as festive as we get.  If you think our Xmas traditions are scarce and scanty you should see our New Years ones...insofar as we don't have any.  We don't celebrate new years eve.