What's on your Christmas Bucket List this year?

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow

By heck it's been frightfully cold here, cold as in the heating is on 24/7 (sorry Dad) yet as much as the cold, quite literally, pains me I perversely much prefer the cold to the hot, I always have been somewhat of a Winter Girl at heart.  However, there is one condition to me tolerating the cold and that would be snow.  Yes i'm one of those people that rather then flail in mad hysterical panic at the mere thought of it, I actually revel in it.  There's a serenity in snow, it is quite simply beautiful. The mere thought of it is uplifting. So imagine my recent disgust where the cold brought with it nipples like bullets, blue toes and visible breaths that make everyone from behind look like smokers yet no bloody snow.  In the recent words of The Toddler 'Not Fair.'  However, Mother Nature has indeed redeemed herself as The Gods have indeed let it snow! The Met Office predicted rubbish old sleet yet outside the window is a flurry of precious white flakes of snow.  Hoorah!  I must confess I did a little dance and some shrieks of utter glee because IT'S SNOWING!. However, I am without doubt that it won't last and within an hour or two it will resort to mere sleet.  Pissflaps.

Yet despite the brain freezing weather I'm still afflicted with shoeitis and am longfully fawning over pretty shoes that I can neither afford nor walk in and are most absurdly impractical for winter anyway, yet one can't help but sigh and perve over the shininess.  At least I appear to have finally broken in the boots of doom that fingers crossed appear to no longer be yapping and snapping at my heels like an irate intoxicated Yorkshire Terrier.

For once i'm feeling uncharacteristically smug to some extent as my usually unheard of planning has indeed beaten the weather with The Toddler possessing a winter coat, a polar fleece all in one and fluffy lined snow boots.  Blimey how about that for prepared?  I'm rather naively hoping that Thing Two's waterproof dungas will serve us yet another year and indeed Thing One's water proof trousers whilst I ignore the ridiculously obvious fact that the little blighters have grown, again. I may have down a shot of something wicked to numb that little voice in my head that squeals like a  girl with sheer petrification at the thought of kitting The Spawn out for Winter (poor Thing Two must have shit blood like me for she too is terribly sensitive to the cold) and have an internal argument with myself in order to justify some spending.  Thankfully in true MamaUndone fashion, I can remain slatternly and do it from the uncomfort of my own decrepid  sofa where it's at least warm and fire up ye old browser to E-Outdoor and try dreadfully hard to silence my own 'But what about me? I want a nifty North Face Coat tooooooo!' (yes I absolutely am that whiney) As it is, what with Christmas, winter clothing and you know that whole food thing i'll end up having to sneakily  liberate the pocket hand warmers bought as an intended gift for The Mother which are fabulously and disgustingly kitsch.  One day i'll learn to knit or crochet and finally own a pair of those gorgeous wrist warmers (with fold over mits) in a delicious autumnal rainbow (think Girasol Earthy Rainbow for fellow babywearing geeks) You know the kind, all those dastardly crafty people who seem to make, not that the people are dastardly they're rather lovely, i'm just a jealous old twunt who is craft inept.

Speaking of craft,  I still need to make a matching tutu for Thing Two's doll in time for christmas.

Oh no.  Who stole the snow?  It's stopped.  My smile has drooped all the way into my tomato soup.

I sense infliction in the air. Help me disappear

It's that time of year again  yet one has to ask when is it really not that time of year of late?  The days are 50 shades of grey swaying between damp, wet and wetter.  The air is heavier then a resolute sigh making one need to chew though it rather then breath through it so that if you breath in you might forget to breath out again.

Even the rain seems heavy, more akin to thumps then drops as they linger longer then is appropriate for a mere aquaintence upon your lashes as if allowing your sorrow to inflate then further.

It's cold.  Cold enough for heating on 24/7.  Cold enough to issue a short sharp slap when you open the window for air, desperate for air as you braille read your way through the grey, as it edits and erases the autobiography of your soul. Trying to clear it away with your finger, to finger paint something (anything) to prove you were here..  Just trying to breath.  Just trying to think and indeed to not think in equal measures.

There's infliction in her eyes.

It gets to half four in the afternoon and the grey disappears and gives way to black.  An all consuming blackness that swallows your thoughts.

& the drugs don't work they just make you worse.

I can't seem to see. I can't seem to breath.  I can't seem to be anymore.  & I can't stop the the thoughts that crawl  and slither out of the gloom. I can't seem to see what's wrong yet the strange days are coming home again.

My head is screaming yet my lips are dry from their silence. The words, they went away.

& she's fading.

Everything feels acutely wrong.  There's a wrongness in the air.

So in the absence of alcohol, and in leau of an increase in medication it's time to break out the Multivits again and in particular Vitamin D.

For those unaware, there has been a suggestion that a deficiency in Vitamin D can contribute significantly to M.E, CFS, Fibromyalgia, depression and a whole host of other health issues.  Don't get me wrong, I'm as sceptical as ever.  I did experiment with supplements in conjunction with my usual medication last year and I can't say I noticed an effect, however it can't hurt right?  We all need a little little light through the dark sometimes.  Maybe this year I'll try one of those nifty spray vitamin d supplements.

Help me find myself., inside myself.

Everything is so grey.  I need a raincoat.  I need a phone call.  I need a big hug.