It's easy to become complacent in parenting and then one of the little sods will throw us a curveball, just to remind us they're all so delightfully different.

The Preschooler has somehow picked up the phrase 'I HATE YOU' and will throw it at us whenever he feels we have done him a disservice. This is new to us. Things One & Two have never uttered this. We've always explained things such as the true meaning of words and to mean what you say. They know that they may strongly dislike something or someone but the chances are they don't actually hate them and vice versa with the term love. So it's somewhat trifling as to where The Preschooler garnered this phrase from that he throws around so readily. It seems we're having to go around this development somewhat arse over tit insofar as to say rather then emphasising the words power and meaning we're having to simultaneously strip it of it too. Why is this parenting lark never simple?

So how do you react to a three year old declaring that he hates you, or his siblings?

Things One and Two have that instinctive response of 'I hate you too' to which we have to insist they refrain from using, because they don't...hate him, not really.  They'll readily admit this when they think about it because that's part of what we're doing, trying to make them think about what they say. To only say something if they mean it. It's like when The Preschooler states 'You're not using my crayons, EVER again!' their instinct is to respond with 'well you're not allowed to use my [whatever] then!' Which isn't terribly helpful. rather than diffuse the situation it merely ignites it. It's teaching The Preschooler that his initial declaration was the right thing to do, that this is how we operate. This is how we treat each other and that too not share out of spite is acceptable.

I'll admit I'm working blind here but I respond to the infamous 'I HATE YOU.' with something along the lines of 'well that's a shame because I love you' I feel it's important to face adversity with security. That he realises no matter what he says, I still love him and he can't make me stop that. It often diffuses the situation. Other times I may reply with 'Oh, that makes Mummy feel sad as she loves you very much' which I feel, subtly without reproach, expresses the effect his words can have on others feelings whilst still re-enforcing that he is loved regardless.  Most of all it's accepting what he's saying.  I may not like it or agree with it and hell, I don't even think he means it but it's important that he feels his thoughts and feelings are valid.  Often we reflect more upon them once they're accepted.

Nine times out of ten within ten minutes he'll either spontaneously tell me he loves me or ever start a conversation with me. With the latter I'll occasionally respond with 'oh but I thought you hated me?' A rather sincere little voice will then tell me 'I don't really' he's had time to reflect on what he's said without being made too.

His other favourite phrase mid rage is 'I'm not talking to you anymore! ' usually said when you're trying to explain something to him. My usual response is an 'okay'. It's frustrating yet I know if I rise to the bait to make him stay and discuss something it will ignite. The lack of reaction is what diffuses this ticking bomb. Predictably within five minutes he'll start a conversation, this is where I remind him of his previous actions 'Oh but I thought you weren't talking to me? ' It's subtle and silent but this is where the penny drops and he realises the ramifications of his words and offers an indignant little 'But I am now! '

Often the above scenario is accompanied by a quality sulk. Usually if I'm trying to have a conversation with him or get him to do something I've asked of him the 'I'm not talking to you! ' is accompanied by him storming off to sulk somewhere. The Little diva even slams doors en route. The huntress within me is raging and indignant. How dare he walk away when I'm talking to him? ! How dare he refuse to pick the pens up that he threw! It goads me to chase and confront. To hunt him down until he submits.

And that urge? That instinctive indignant drive is exactly what fuels his behaviour yet how on earth is he to learn to control it if I can't as an adult?  Instinct is a powerful thing and we shouldn't smother it, the learning curve is that we shouldn't always act upon it.

Practising restraint I have to use the ancient art of patience. Not something that comes naturally to me so it's no surprise that with inheriting my explosive temper they'll also inherit my lacking patience.

Now it's the waiting game. Usually he'll either return with a sincere little 'sorry' or else he will ask something un connected.

If it's the former I'll ask him to tell me why he's sorry. It's important to establish whether he's understood what's happened or whether he just feels it's something he should say. Often he'll surprise me and relay what happened.

If it's the latter I'll calmly state that I'll happily talk after he's picked the pens up. This option he dislikes. It's important that whilst I'm not conversing with him I'm also not completely ignoring him as I feel ignoring is counter productive. To close communication channels completely is sending out a harmful message which could have repercussions on how and what your child communicates to you in the future.

However, I will firmly refuse to engage meaningfully until he's addressed the issue and embarked upon its resolution.

So for now it's the 'I hate you's' and the 'I'm not talking to you's' with the door slammings and sulks. Yes, he's a diva but he's our diva. He's also just a four year old learning how to deal with strong emotions and concepts. It's inevitable that he'll have to push some boundaries in the process. It's intrinsic that he feels secure enough to be able to do this. To know that although his reactions may not always be acceptable, they are valid.

He's learning important life lessons here like people piss you off and likewise you probably piss them off too.

And that's okay.

Honest.

The Jezza K show of parenting

If you live in an area similar to ours, you're probably no stranger to daily displays of irresponsible parenting.  Parenting isn't a label, it's a responsibility.  We are nurturing the future.

I know that kids will be kids and to an extent I believe this yet at which point are parents supposed to step in and instill some element of common decency and social awareness into them? At which point must parents take responsibility for their influence and indeed lack of as the case may be, realising that they're shaping our future society?

You are the God in your childs universe as your actions and words translate to them how they're supposed to be.  What you say and do as wells as all that you don't sends encrypted messages that only they can decipher.

Children learn through replicating.

If you swear at them or even in their company you are teaching them that it's an appropriate way to address people and communicate

If you smoke around them, you're teaching them that smoking is okay.

If you're violent in their presence, you're teaching them that violence is an acceptable problem solver.

Likewise if you fail to reprimand negative behaviour in them, you're teaching them that what they're doing is okay.

Be aware of your surroundings before you act and ask yourself if your behaviour is environment and audience appropriate.

Think.

In the school playground parents stand in onesied clusters, having desperately leeched every last lungful of cigarette, right at the school gates where all the children have to pass, effin' and jeffin' like teenagers on a bus where small children are waiting with parents for their not much bigger siblings.  I don't want my children subjected to your filthy mouth and you should be ashamed of the fact that you appear unable to restrain yourself and indeed wholly unaware that in the presence of children, this is not okay.

Children don't need to see you at half past three, with a can of lager outside the school gates.

So when you routinely swear at your child, seeing as you appear to believe profanity is acceptable bridging words in your sentences, they will swear back at you and to others because the message you have sent them, is that this is how we communicate.  When you grab and push them to hurry them up or chide them, they will in turn think asserting physical power over another is an acceptable way to control somebody, to get them to submit to your desire.  Your children feel comfortable littering in your presence because you never told them it's not okay.  Even The Toddler knows to bin it or pocket it.

There are certain behaviours and habits you're allowed to possess yet you need to realise there is a time and a place and in the presence of your children or other peoples children isn't the time nor the place.  Nobody is perfect, most of us are guilty of slipping a swear word out yet not in standard conversation rather in the true sense of profanity as an exclamation.  Children should know that there are things that adults can do and children shouldn't do.  Things they shouldn't repeat until they're older.  The key is to establish context and educate them.

It's like at the park, you sit on a bench in a childrens place and light up a cigarette. You seem to think this is okay, acceptable. Your child is pushing in front of all the smaller children.  You never thought to tell them that this is wrong.  Your apathy has told them this is an okay way to act.  Then they go on the swing, you're not there to suggest that maybe the other child who has been waiting patiently for fifteen minutes now should have a go.  Your child swearing around other children isn't okay.  Yet you've never told them that.  Should responsible adults attempt to verbally frown on their behaviour, they get verbal abuse back.  You never told them this wasn't okay.  You talk to them like that all the time.  They have never learned respect.

Your behaviour should directly inspire your children to be the best person they can be.

At home The Spawn are boistrous and fight as siblings do yet in public?  They always say please and thankyou, unprompted.  They help others without needing to be asked.  They hold doors open.  If they see you drop something, they'll pick it up for you.  If they find something, they'll give it back.  When your children push past them, they don't push back.  They let them past.  They wait their turn, even when your children blatantly aren't.  They'll get off the swing they waited ages for after only a short go, because another child is waiting. They're empathic and kind.  They have a healthy respect for grownups and peers.  They're articulate and expressive with no need to swear.  They're no angels, but they understand how to treat others and their environment.

It's children like ours, and if you're reading this, probably yours too that give me hope.  Hope that the future isn't entirely lost.  Hope that society can get better.

Are reward charts really the best way to handle toddler tantrums?

If you're a part of social networking such as Facebook you may have seen a link to an article bandied about today asking the question ''Are reward charts really the best way to handle toddler tantrums?'

My answer? No.  So lets talk about tantrums. I think first of all we have to ask ourselves what is a tantrum exactly? Regardless of what they do it is essentially a form of communication.  Through training a child not to tantrum what are we really teaching them?  We are at a very basic level invalidating what they are relaying to us.  We are taking away their voice at an age when they're lacking in the fundamental skills to adequately control and communicate in a calm and socially acceptable manner.  Regardless of the subject of their tantrum, the fact their response has escalated (not necessarily deteriorated) to a tantrum is simply testament to their passion and how invested they are in the matter. Whether we agree with their opinion or not is absolutely immaterial, their opinion no matter how impractical or in our own opinion 'wrong' is still valid and matters.  

Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all suggesting that we should embrace tantrums or encourage them but we owe it to our children to acknowledge them, validate them, tell them we accept what they are saying/feeling (I understand you're feeling sad/angry right now because you want/don't want ....), explain to them why we're disagreeing then distract them and attempt to move on or if the tantrum has become absolutely uncontrollable, just be there.  Hold them tight if they'll let you or simply let them know where you are when they're ready for comfort or to talk about it and give them space to calm down.  It's far too easy to slip into the mindset that we as the parent know best, our opinion is what matters, we are right and they don't understand.  Of course they don't understand, it's our job to enable them, to help them understand.  With a toddler 'because I say so' really isn't at all helpful, it isn't teaching them or equipping them with understanding of why.  Taking it to a rudimentary level we are intrinsically denying them their opinion, their right of being heard and any chance of reasoning.  With rewards we are buying their co-operation and coercing them into silent obedience. 

Worse then that, we are giving them a tool to manipulate.  We are not teaching them to do something because it is perhaps practical or necessary but merely because they are rewarded for it.  If you take away the reward you risk a revolt in behavior.  

Teach don't dictate.  Enable them mentally and emotionally don't disable natural and instinctive reactions. Shaping and molding are not the same thing.

It is healthy to allow a child to question their world and that which is within it.  When we stop questioning we stop learning, to not question is to become complacent and who the hell could possibly be complacent in this world?  If we cease to question we lose our innate ability and potential to change the world.

We don't have to agree, we don't have to 'give in' but we should acknowledge and listen to what they're feeling to help both parent and child move on from a situation.

It's not epic chronicles of lentil weaving their socks whilst coddling and spoiling them, it's simply recognising them as fellow humans and helping them and ourselves become better people.