When Thing One was smaller there didn't seen to be much choice in clothes and I doubt I'd ever even heard of 'organic' clothes, organic was just a word added to eggs to hike the price up. So, he had the typical mini man clothes that the high street stores are populated with in predictable pastel blues and yawnsome beige.  Add to that the fact he grew like a weed so I seemed to be in a perpetual cycle of buying clothes and let's face it, boys clothes are pretty unimaginative bordering fatefully close to being downright boring. Don't even get me started on the boys shoes, before I had kids I didn't ever dream shopping for shoes could actually be, well, boring.

Then Thing Two came along and what a revelation that was, shopping for a...girl! That's much more like it! Oodles of choice!

By the time The Toddler graced up with his presence I'd had enough of the bland boys clothing. It's only when you have bigger kids that you realise and appreciate just how small and delicate babies genuinely are. The thought of stiff denim, metal buttons, unnecessary zippers etc just seemed....well....awful! More so seeing as he wore soft, fluffy cloth nappies.

Also, pale colours just didn't even seem to suit him! I was remarkably impressed when I managed to find some orange, red and bright yellow vests, even the midwife commented on them!

So, I let a bit of me loose on The Toddlers wardrobe (ok, If you're going to be pedantic he only has drawers) I filled them with bold bright colours in comfy soft jersey and cotton populated with stripes and spots. He looked vibrant. He looked fun. He looked, dare I say, funky. Best of all he looked comfy!

The only problem I found was finding things! H&M proved amazing for basics (and incidentally fit really well over cloth nappies!) And eBay gave me access to quirky, cheap and amazingly practical leggings from China which he has lived in! They were brilliant for crawling, climbing and don't ride up when he is in the sling.

I just wish I'd known that he would be the opposite to Thing One insofar as to say, he doesn't actually seen to grow! This would have made it infinitely more justifiable to go shopping for funky organic clothing like Molo. I adore their stuff and often fantasy shop for it.

Who knows, Maybe I can justify it this year. Am currently drooling over  Love It Love It Love It  they have bright colours, stripes and it all looks super comfy, oh and It's organic! Just need to sell a kidney now to have some funds.....

You know you're a mum when It's more fun shopping for kids clothes then your own!

May be a bit quieter then usual as the computer died. As in Totally. I am devastated and so are the kids as we can't afford to replace it.  It's no easy feat blogging from my (crappy dying) phone, my thumb is positively withering at the sheer injustice of it.

Life's a journey, not a destination

With a weight loss journey there comes a new suitcase of insecurities.  You're not yet slim nor at your goal yet you're a remarkably long way from where you used to be.  Your old clothes are far too big and ghastly they were more of a disguise then anything.  Yet you have no idea how to dress this new awkward figure that is too fat to be slim and too slim to be fat.  I admit I've been failing abysmally lately, I still have at least a stone more to go ideally a stone and a half.  I have absolutely lost my diet mojo.  It's a case of being so close yet so depressingly far.  One thing that helped last time was to buy some clothes from eBay, I found that looking better at the weight I was somehow inspired me to work harder to the weight I want to be.  However, as they became a tad too big and I finally found jeans to fit I fell back into the old jeans trap which has a knock on effect of feeling dowdy, frumpy and lumpy exacerbated by the great bra failure.  Ill fitting bras do nought for the confidence nor figure.

So in an attempt to regain the mojo, I've bought some clothes from eBay, however I have no idea how to dress anymore nor what suits me with a belly that's too large and a chest that's too large.  My old favourite clothes of gothiness and hippyness are far far too tiny for me to wear and new items are simply far too expensive even preloved.  I've bought some dresses.  I don't know why as I look awful in dresses.  I wanted to try something different and to make an effort. I struggle to feed The Toddler in dresses yet with short ones and leggings the dress can be lifted as if a top when at home.  I'm so far out of my comfort zone it's unreal and I feel like a total berk or mutton dressed as lamb.  I see clothes that I know are lovely and see a 'style' in my head yet know it would not suit me yet on the flip side whilst knowing what won't suit me I have no idea what will. I've lost all sense of identity, my obesity ate it and now I'm no longer obese I still can't find it again. It's at times like this when a woman needs an honest friend to say 'that looks okay but that one looks hideous on you' there's no point asking The Husband as everything looks 'fine'

I don't know who I am anymore on so many levels.

If I can't be me, maybe I can be someone new.  Somebody better.
 

What not to wear...

Losing weight is supposed to be confidence building so do tell me why, at the ripe old age of 31 and a size 12-14 having spent 8 years as a size 16-18+ do I still not feel the thrill and haven't the foggiest what to wear?

Centuries ago, PK (Pre - kids) it was velvet, pvc, tye dye with stripy tights, ripped fishnets (yes, I'm a goth in remission) and at my peak of 'having an actual life' I was crazily a size 8-10 yet crept up to a 14 just before I got pregnant with Thing One.

AK (after kids) it became ill fitting cheap jeans, repulsive tracky bottoms and over stretched band hoodies. I felt horrendous and looked even worse. However, dare I say there was a certain element of comfort in obesity for I didn't have to think. I felt fat, looked fat and was fat. There were no expectations nor effort. Rather then trying to polish a turd I longed for invisibility. I stopped trying, nothing remotely 'me' would fit and if it did I would look ridiculous and quite frankly, awful. Obesity (and mental illness) devoured my identity and my sense of self. I wore things that would fit rather then things I liked. Clothes shopping was rare and somewhat depressing.

Fast forward to now. I 'should' be able to wear whatever I choose and whilst the old favoured stripy thigh high socks and chunky boots remain and jeans now fit properly I find myself at a stalemate. Needing smaller, nicer clothes isn't at all what I thought it would be. It isn't fun.

First to be fair I'll admit two major obstacles the first being money, or lack of and the second being the fact i'm breastfeeding so most of the things I like are either unaffordable or absolutely impractical logistic wise.

Then there is sizing. I point blank refuse on sheer principle to buy any brand that class a size 12-14 as 'Large' or worse still 'extra large' That's utterly absurd and rather a tad mean.

Talking of sizing, that in itself is quite a farce. If you're feeling masochistic do shop in Primark. I know not what strange proportioned species they design for yet it is painfully obvious not for mere mortals unless you buy a dress size or two larger then you are.

Upon the opposite end of the spectrum if you'd like an image boost do try Marks & Spencers as often you can instantly drop a dress size.  How positively amazing!

Why oh why aren't clothing sizes governed to grant us with an iota of continuity?.

I still have weight to lose. I still both think and feel fat inside my head. I look at clothing that I most likely could wear yet am still in the mind frame of obesity and I still feel repulsive despite others my size looking remarkable. It's not a physical rationale it's tremendously irrational and to be brutally honest, all in my head.

So,I can't yet dress how i'd prefer to. I can't dress how I did the past 8 yrs nor in the period of my life prior to The Fat Years.  Sizing is a minefield of disappointments, money is negative, breastfeeding is continual, weight loss is ongoing.

It really isn't about how you look and more so about how you feel that makes you happy.

I ask you, what is a woman to wear?  And more importantly what not to wear?