It seems that everyone is getting some, every night even. Maybe you're having it in the bedroom or perhaps you're a little more daring and getting some in a tent or a cheeky hotel stay, maybe you're desperate and doing it on the kitchen table.  Not that i'm jealous or anything but for anyone who's getting more than me (and lets face it, that's hardly a difficult achievement) I'd like to take this opportunity to politely say; I hate you.  I admit it, I'm jealous. Hideously so, and jealousy is such an

ugly thing. Still, how very dare you be getting Some sleep when I am blatantly getting so little.

 My name is Mama Undone, i'm 30-something and I still don't sleep through the night despite sometimes being left alone to inwardly scream and cry.  Maybe I should be someone more dramatic like Mama totallyunfuckingravelled.

I won't tell a lie, it's killing me. The restless racing mind of mental illness married with rampant insomnia whilst having an affair with M.E does not a good love triangle make.  Throw into this my small self-made army of sleep assassins and I'm dreaming of drugging to sleep, them or me however? such a choice.  No I jest.  I wouldn't do that.  Honest.  Chloroform is much more my style....

So it's getting to that weird Twilight hour of night when you've watched every possible music video you can think of on YouTube and have somehow ended up watching some random hillbilly dance on his porch with an obese skunk so, in your desperation, you embark on a search of brain bleach to erase aforementioned video. You resort to Google in the hope of replenishing your Chloroform stock and end up on the rather more socially acceptable sleeping tablets section of Medicines 2U Online Chemist (have I ranted lately about my absolute horror at the ever increasing use of gringlish? no? oh I do believe you're in for a treat with that future blog post)  Now due to me co-sleeping still and yes my three year old does still breastfeed night and day, sleeping pills are an obvious no no and the lavender oil isn't quite cutting it. Instead of drifting into a blissful state of relaxation I remain homicidal and antisocial smelling of my Nanna whilst plotting generic death, destruction and justice.  However, to the casual insomniac you really shouldn't be quick to judge the more naturalistic approach, Lavender has been used successfully by many as a relaxant and sleep aid for hundreds of years and if there is one essential oil you should have this is the one it has a whole host of invaluable benefits.  It's okay, it won't dread your hair against your will or make you weave your own undercrackers from lentils.  You can even wear a disguise whilst you order it online if it makes it easier to dip into the natural end of medicine.   Or you could just compromise and try something like this which is more mainstream crunchy.  My point is, if you've tried the warm bath, windows open, warm milk and such approaches and the CD of nature sounds you bought in desperation from that patchouli scented psychic just makes you want to get up and have a piss yet you aren't quite at the hardcore begging your doctor to sedate you stage, there are many over the counter alternatives available, many of which take advantage of what nature can offer.  What do you have to lose, seriously?  You're losing sleep anyway.  





One day, i'll book myself into a hotel, purely to sleep in peace. All day.

One day, when The Spawn are all grumpy teenagers I shall delight in waking them....lots.

In the meantime however, i'll  count sheep......lavender scented sheep.  It's okay sometimes night is my dearest friend, in the wise words of Poppy Z Brite from one of my favourate novels "“I believe in whatever gets you throught the night. [...] Night is the hardest time to be alive. For me, anyway. It lasts so long, and four A.M.knows all my secrets.” " /// “Some nights are made for torture, or reflection, or the savoring of loneliness.” 



Disclaimer: You really should consult your doctor if you have a chronic sleeping problem and always always exercise caution if you take a supplement or medication to help you sleep and never take any if you co-sleep or breastfeed without okaying it with your health care practitioner.

I sense infliction in the air. Help me disappear

It's that time of year again  yet one has to ask when is it really not that time of year of late?  The days are 50 shades of grey swaying between damp, wet and wetter.  The air is heavier then a resolute sigh making one need to chew though it rather then breath through it so that if you breath in you might forget to breath out again.

Even the rain seems heavy, more akin to thumps then drops as they linger longer then is appropriate for a mere aquaintence upon your lashes as if allowing your sorrow to inflate then further.

It's cold.  Cold enough for heating on 24/7.  Cold enough to issue a short sharp slap when you open the window for air, desperate for air as you braille read your way through the grey, as it edits and erases the autobiography of your soul. Trying to clear it away with your finger, to finger paint something (anything) to prove you were here..  Just trying to breath.  Just trying to think and indeed to not think in equal measures.

There's infliction in her eyes.

It gets to half four in the afternoon and the grey disappears and gives way to black.  An all consuming blackness that swallows your thoughts.

& the drugs don't work they just make you worse.

I can't seem to see. I can't seem to breath.  I can't seem to be anymore.  & I can't stop the the thoughts that crawl  and slither out of the gloom. I can't seem to see what's wrong yet the strange days are coming home again.

My head is screaming yet my lips are dry from their silence. The words, they went away.

& she's fading.

Everything feels acutely wrong.  There's a wrongness in the air.

So in the absence of alcohol, and in leau of an increase in medication it's time to break out the Multivits again and in particular Vitamin D.

For those unaware, there has been a suggestion that a deficiency in Vitamin D can contribute significantly to M.E, CFS, Fibromyalgia, depression and a whole host of other health issues.  Don't get me wrong, I'm as sceptical as ever.  I did experiment with supplements in conjunction with my usual medication last year and I can't say I noticed an effect, however it can't hurt right?  We all need a little little light through the dark sometimes.  Maybe this year I'll try one of those nifty spray vitamin d supplements.

Help me find myself., inside myself.

Everything is so grey.  I need a raincoat.  I need a phone call.  I need a big hug.