If you're pregnant now, have been in the past or really want to be you'll not have escaped the bump mafia. Once upon a time, pregnant woman took candid photos of themselves throughout their pregnancy purely for documentary purposes for their own memories and perhaps one day to show their children.

Now however, in the era of camera phones and a million and one apps, everyone is an 'artiste', it's getting competitive.  They're now statements.  Not only is the mum chic and cool, now her bump is too.  If you Google pregnant bellies or bumps you'll be assaulted with more images then you can ever process ranging from the edgy and arty to the quirky and kitsch.  Perfectly posed, thought out locations, painstakingly edited before these pseudo-professional pictures are presented to the internet.  To be judged.

Because that's what happens. That is the competition.

Their bump is better than yours.

As if woman don't torture themselves enough with their bodies and self worth, they no longer get a hiatus in pregnancy.

Is your bump small enough? big enough? round enough? perky enough? neat enough? cute enough?

Are you blooming?  Are you a hot pregnant 'mama'? a cute one? a quirky one? an elegant one?

It's almost like one of those vile rating sites where people brazenly submit their orange faced, duck lipped, bathroom posed pictures to be 'hot or not'.

I don't routinely post 'bump pictures' to the blog.  Mine aren't arty.  They're taken when I remember in the dirty mirror in my junk pile of a bedroom.  I'm not photogenic at the best of times, for every 100 pictures taken I'll share one or two.

Yet I do take bump pics.

For me.  To see my baby grow. To document and immortalise this; my last pregnancy. My previous pregnancies only had the odd bump shot now and then.

Yet as beautiful as this time is, I find it incredibly hard to share them.

I'm not cute, quirky or arty.

I'm fat.  Not pregnant fat, just fat.

That's the thing when you're 'fluffy', your flubber swallows your pregnancy.  You don't get this perfect neat little bump.  It takes ages to 'show' and even then the chances are only you know the bump from the flab.  You no longer have to breath in because if you walk around with your hand on your belly enough you're subliminally telling people, I'm not just fat, honest.  I'm pregnant too.  If you place your hand in the right place, you can try and emphasise your belly to make it appear more bump than flump, to create an illusion.

I'm not even one of those gorgeous, confident, sassy larger woman.  I'm just fat.  I have the frame of someone who should be many many many stones lighter and then a lot of flubber.  I don't qualify as fluffy or plus sized i'm just overweight and fat.

So it's hard, when you have such a loathing for your own body to put yourself out there.  It's hard to be so incredibly happy with your pregnancy yet too ashamed of your body to share it.  It's hard and it's quintessentially sad.

If I tell you i'm pregnant you'll probably assume I'm further on than I am.  It's not that my bump is large, it's that my belly is large yet as soon as the pregnant status is confirmed the eye tries to see a bump, the belly becomes the bump.

I always promised myself i'd lose enough weight so that i'd have at least one pregnancy when I looked normal so that my bump would be obvious and neat (like everyone elses) when I wouldn't have to be ashamed.  When I could show it off or perhaps show case it is more appropriate. When I didn't feel the need to telepathically communicate to everyone who saw me that I'm not just fat, I'm pregnant too. Well this is my last pregnancy and like the other pregnancies, I'm starting out overweight.

It doesn't help that pregnancy gives me a horrifically huge appetite.  I never get that 'weeks on end of sickness'.  I just eat. I overeat.

You tell yourself it doesn't matter.  You're already fat.  At least you can get fatter with the excuse 'I shouldn't really diet when pregnant' You try not to think about the weight you already had to lose pre-pregnancy and all the additional weight you're putting on throughout pregnancy.  Extra weight because y'know, you can't stop eating.  You're eating all the pies (and chocolate, cake, burgers).

So I'll never be a part of the bump mafia.

I never even entered the competition.

But this is my bump.  My journey.

And I'm trying, to feel beautiful.  To think beautiful

Because whilst I may not be, pregnancy is.  Beautiful.

My bump may not be pretty but it is beautiful, because it houses Moomin and that is beautiful.

This journey is amazing.  I want to be able to look back on it and see it's beauty.

If only for these nine precious months, I want to not be ashamed of my body.

Because it may not be pretty but, right now, it's growing another human and that, is pretty damn amazing.

One day I want to show her this journey; to show her that because of her, I was something beautiful.

That I refused to be ashamed.

Because of her.

Hooray for boobies

As a girl I spent the first half of my life wishing for boobs or rather bigger boobs and the second half wanting smaller. It's a no win situation. Many of you may remember my previous posts on the woes of bra shopping or should I say shopping for scaffold.  Gone are the days when I was young slim and a saucy C-D cup with a draw full of underwear delight. Shiny, sexy, colourful pieces of confidence lego.... I had Bras Galore. I could happily go into any department store and let my purse feast on pretties that looked amazing and more importantly made me feel amazing. Underwear shopping was a thrill, a treat.
Nearly five years of breastfeeding and three children later not to mention battling obesity and winning and It's a whole different story. I don't need a bra I need scaffolding, better still....a miracle. I keep telling them jokes with the futile hope that they may actually perk up but to be honest, they are the joke.
If you bear in mind that most 'normal' bras stop at an H then factor in the fact you need nursing bras your choice becomes depressingly limited and you can forget about one of those much needed underwired nursing bra jobbies, its nasty granny bras all the way in white, black or if you're incredibly lucky...... flesh coloured (seriously, Wtf?) All of which give a hilarious unattractive shape (conical....how very 80's) don't forget that you also get The pleasure of paying a fortune for each of these. I resent paying a fortune for a necessity and more so when quite frankly It's fugly and makes you feel more like Madame Doubtfire then a hot mama.
You could have the most amazing outfit in the world yet if you're Bridget Jonesing underneath it, you may as well have your dressing gown on.
Trust me, going braless is not an option. I should require a license for these boulders, I already get black eyes if I contemplate running down the stairs.
So the search is forever on for comfortable, feminine, sexy, supportive bras for us poor sufferers of hugeboobitis that won't leave us weeping in bankruptcy, brownie points if they're actually nursing bras too.
Thankfully there are now several companies who have not only accepted that the average bra size has increased but are actively doing something about it and are stocking gorgeous bras in larger cup sizes, like Bras Galore . Shop in the comfort of your own home, search by size to avoid that spirit crushing moment of finding the bra only to realise it only goes up to a maximum size that is about five cup sizes smaller then what you need. Oh and free delivery too! (Always a factor that sways me when choosing where to shop)
Hopefully The Toddler will self wean within the next 12-18months so I can throw away there skanky vile nursing bras I had the pleasure of forking out way too much money for and finally start to have a draw of fun, sexy, gorgeous Bras Galore again.
Never underestimate the power a well fitting and pretty bra can exert on both your confidence and your figure. Seriously, something like 80% of woman are wearing the wrong size bra. Take a look around next time you are out, if a bra is fitted right a woman's cleavage should not be dusting her knees nor should a woman find it uncomfortable. That well known equation that far too many shops rely on along with a tape measure, if you're well endowed is quite frankly as true to life as rocking horse shit.
The back should not ride upwards, The band not The straps should take the weight and support you, the band should be tight on the loosest setting (yet loose enough to fit two fingers down) so that as the elastic becomes worn you can keep tightening it.  If you can easily pull the band away from your back, its too big! Remember generally if you go down a back size you go up a cup size and if you go up a back size you usually go down a cup size.
Several chains and many independant shops now offer a no measuring fitting service. Seriously, find one and go. You may be amazed. I ended up finding out I was actually four back sizes smaller and 6 cup sizes bigger then What the tape measure and equation had come up with. I instantly had better posture, a better shape, went down a clothes size up top and felt human again.
Having hugeboobitis doesn't have to be misery, we can be proud of them and look awesome too.

A portion of hair please with a side order of fringe.

Many of you will have come to the conclusion by now that I am somewhat fickle when it comes to my hair. It's currently Purple and Green.  I'll dye it black then want it blonde, I'll get close to blonde then dye it bright red which I will then dye Purple or turquoise whilst contemplating copper.  It's not just colour either, I'll have long hair then chop it off only to want it long again, then there is the whole fringe debate.
In all honesty I'm dreadfully grateful and indeed astonished that I haven't managed to kill my hair dead (yet...)
There is an easier way though, I should just literally buy hair. Seriously, why not? Think about it... a colour and length to suit each of my, erm, personalities (what? Did I even once say I was sane?) No more bleaching whilst praying to the hair faeries to please pretty please not make me bald this time. No more Purple ears and Green hands. No more stained bathrooms. No more insomnia induced boredom breakers with The scissors.  No more petulant procrastination on whether to fringe or not to fringe as you can even.....buy clip on fringes! I can see a slight obsession in the making here. 

I am currently lusting after this I can never ever get that ethereal white blond, the nearest I get is cat piss yellow. Also loving this , this and this.

I need to stop looking.....really. where is a sugar daddy when you need one?

This is nearly as cruel as looking at shoes.

Colour Me Happy

I've been dying my hair for 16 years now.  I don't claim to be good at it and i'm awfully fickle.  I've been a host of colours even two contrasting at the same time on several occasions.  I don't do some of the awesome intricate dye jobs you may find pictures of online  because to be frank, I have no patience and hardly any artistic merit.

When it comes to the bright colours I tend to use Directions because I'm familiar with it and it works.  You can also try Special FX, Star Gazer (wasn't personally impressed with this one), Manic Panic and Fudge (fab stuff but doesn't last long and is expensive) etc.

I thought I'd share some tips I've picked up along the way.

• If you see a colour you like on a swatch bare in mind that colour will only look like that on white/bleached hair.  The darker shades (like Dark Tulip etc) will work on darker hair but it will just leave a shiny hint of a colour.  
• If you've never bleached your hair before it generally goes through set stages in colour lifting so don't be alarmed if your hair doesn't look like the Nordic blonde on the box.  Firstly if your hair is dark it will go to a dark copper orange, then a brighter orange, then a strawberry blonde like colour, then a bright yellow then a banana flesh super pale yellow and then white.  Apparently once it goes white your hair has lost a lot of keratin.  You may have to lighten your hair a few times if you have naturally dark hair.  For Red, Orange and purple colours you can get away with just lifting to pale-mid orange.  However, to get a decent blue or green you really need that pale banana flesh colour, using a white toner after lightening can cancel out the brassy tones and make the blue/green take even better.
• If your hair is dyed a dark colour, try using ColourB4 first, it whiffs a bit but is amazing at removing drugstore hair colour from your hair without bleaching.
• These types of vegetable dye can be used straight after lightening as they're very conditioning and after bleaching the hair fibres are more likely to take in more pigment.
• Be prepared, you will need an old top you no longer use, Vaseline, disposable gloves and cling film or a shower cap.
• Before you start wash your hair with a pH balanced shampoo, do NOT condition.  If you rinse with hot water it will open the fibres on your hair to absorb the colour better.
• Towel dry it well otherwise the dye will be far too drippy.
• Put Vaseline around your hair line and your ears.  These dyes stain, it obviously is removable but always best to avoid the purple ears etc in the first place!
• Make sure you have gloves as these dyes do not come with them.
• Once you've coated your hair in dye wrap it in cling film and put a shower cap over the top.  
• It says leave for around 15 mins on the tub.  If you have super bleached hair it will colour in this time but if you want the colour to last you really need to leave it on for at the very least an hour, more if possible.  It will not have any adverse effects on your hair like drugstore dyes, it will just condition it, many people even leave it on over night.
• You can at intervals give it a blast with the hair drier.
• When you rinse it, rinse with water as cool as you can possibly handle, if you use hot water it will open the hair fibres and allow more dye to run out.
• You may have to rinse for a while....
• Make sure you use old/dark towels
• Generally the colour lasts around 6-8 washes but it can be unpredictable and last longer or wash out sooner.  If you want the colour out sooner (why?!) try washing with washing up liquid or head and shoulders/vosene as these can strip dye out of your hair.
• If you want to boost the longevity of the dye add a teaspoon to your conditioner and leave your conditioner on for a few minutes each time you wash your hair.
• If your hair is thick of longer then jaw length you may very well need two tubs.
• All directions shades can be mixed to create your own shades

Vanity

How far do you go in the name of vanity?  Me? not very.  I must admit to being somewhat bewildered and ignorant of the masses of lotions and potions promising a whole host of benefits in scientific jargon hoping to baffle your money out of your purse leaving the unsuspecting consumer with wholly unrealistic expectations that they'll end up looking photo shopped to perfection because of this anti wotsit time reversing super complex booster.  Have you seen the prices of them?  No really.  Now, I fully plan to grow old gracefully, I have no intention whatsoever of attempting to look ridiculously young when I'm realistically old yet neither do I want to look haggard before my time.  I once dabbled in Total Effects when it was on offer yet I can't really say I noticed that much benefit after three months let alone enough to warrant the cost of it and yet that is actually one of the cheaper on offer.  So here's a revelation.  I bought anti-wrinkle day cream with 'Q10' (seriously, it may as well be R2D2 for all the toss I give) and matching night cream at £1.99 each and a nifty thing you roll under your eyes for £2.49.  What can I say, I do believe they actually work and all three for less then one pot of well known branded.  I think the ones I bought are Derma10.  I have sensitive skin and yet they neither irritate nor sting, my skin feels more supple and smoother and the eye doodah?  The puffy bags under my eyes have virtually gone in less then a week.  Vanity doesn't have to bankrupt you. 

I'm afraid that's about as much effort as I conjure and even that is needs nan epic portion of concentration to remember to slap cream on twice a day.  Perhaps I should say I'm probably beauty inept....vanity challenged.....or maybe simply I really just can't be arsed.

I see little point in spending 20 minutes of my life every morning trying to for all intent purposes polish a turd.  I've never fully understood the allure of all the time  and money invested in precision application of makeup designed to look natural and like you're not actually wearing any.  Generally if i wear makeup it's usually thick black eyeliner (well i never claimed to be cured of gothness, only ever in remission) and the like.  Granted when I have too much time on my hands and an unusually moderate level of patience I may dally with my makeup and sometimes yes, I do feel the confidence boost of 'making an effort' unfortunately not enough to trifle with the debacle every bleeding day.  The novelty soon wears off. My makeup is mostly from E.L.F and thus affordable, i'll admit to being somewhat curious by the famous touche eclat and mac pigments yet neither my purse nor my brain can quite manage to see past the price tags.

Then there's hair, egads I'm lucky if I remember to brush it, the notion of styling is lost on me beyond that.  I admit I'm a dye addict and have been most colours under the sun and am rather fickle with it too.  I'm most thankful my hair hasn' fallen out in sheer horror protest.

I have always been fortunate enough to have fast growing strong nails yet other then the occasional nail polish that I always leave on until it naturally chips off (grunge baby, yeah) the mere thought of manicures and buffering makes my brain ache.

I fail to understand the attraction in marinating oneself in eau de toilet.  It makes my throat constrict, my nose crinkle and my head hurt.  I literally retch when one of these marinated woman pass me on the bus and you can still smell them the next day.  I'm all for the countries that have banned it in workplaces etc.  Less is more people, seriously.  Subtle is attractive, overpowering is quite frankly assault on my senses.  If you stink so badly you have to cover it up with half a bottle of perfume every day, just get a bloody bath!

Tan, I can understand to a small extent peoples desire to look tanned yet myself am milk bottle pale and proud of it.  However it is absolutely beyond me as to why some females of the species insist on going orange.  Orange is not a healthy nor a natural skin colour.  Ever. Quite frankly it looks absurd. When I first saw it I assumed it was simply a mistake, a bad choice in shade and then the realisation hit, these people are aware they're orange, and actually strive to remain...orange.  Why? Seriously I'm not being obtuse, I genuinely can't fathom why. Olive, Golden, Sunkissed, understandable.  Orange though?

Oh dear i'm not a very good female  am I, perhaps i'm broken.