If ever there's two false assumptions that are made by Joe Public about The Toddler it would be that he is a girl and that he should be at nursery.  The prior based merely upon the fact he happens to have long hair, not anything as extraordinary as him possessing a vagina or anything.  The latter being based purely on the fact he's over three and I shall rant about this in my next blog post.

The Husband has long hair, as in I'm jealous of it , yes...that type of long.  Regardless of beard status he's never been mistaken for a woman (good job, he has crap tits)  The Toddler however, must be a girl because evidently boys simply don't have long hair.  His hair is gorgeous, like spun golden silk and reaches to his mid back.  I'd sell internal organs to have hair like his.  Despite his love of nail polish, makeup, heels and tutu's he's also very stereotypical boyish as well loving the usual cars and fire engines and what have you.  When out and about he is dressed either boyish or gender neutral yet Thing Two who is a girl adores pink, purples, flowers, butterflies and glitter so it's not as if they could label us one of those families that insist on gender neutrality.  I'd like to think it's his devastating beauty that marvels people and skewers their judgement but we've been here before, with Thing One.  He too had long hair until he started school as the thought of glue, paint, food and nits outweighed the pro's of keeping his lustrous locks.  However, we aren't at all offended by it, so what if they think he's a girl, it's usually commented on in a complimentary fashion accompanied by a comment on how beautiful he is, so really, what's to be offended about?  If it's a health official or whatnot we do correct them however, often correcting some random just makes them feel bad all for the sake of a label, and not even a derogatory one at that.  We merely accept the compliment and smile certain that when/if The Toddler wanted to he wouldn't be shy of saying 'I'm not a girl!' something, as of yet, he too hasn't felt the need to interject with.  If that isn't being comfortable in your on skin, what is?  Then we get to My Father, he who was utterly horrified when at Thing Two's birthday, The Toddler took possession of Thing Two's new pink haired doll and has similar distaste when The Toddler chooses to dress up Thing Two's princess dresses, play heels and make-up.  It's as if he takes personal offence at The Toddlers lack of society defined masculinity.  This is the same man who for years has refused to kiss and hug Thing One and insists on just shaking his hand.  Yes, really.  Out in public should anyone dare to refer to The Toddler as a girl, he feels the undying need to immediately correct them in a reprimanding tone, and to what purpose really?  Surely a compliment is a compliment?

It would appear that he is terrified that liking anything stereotypically girly would turn him gay.  As if you could turn or make someone gay, he fails to accept the notion that people are who they are and will be who they will be.  If someone is gay, they'd be gay regardless of whether they played with dolls or trains.  Then there's the big, so what?  Being a serial killer or rapist would be a problem.  Abusing animals would be a problem.  Being a  fascist bigot would be a problem.  Being gay? Hardly a problem.  Oh no, my child has decided to be himself! Call the parenting police.  Gay or straight, blonde hair or brown....whatever.  He's THREE years old and enjoying exercising his natural curiosity and freedom of choice. Hopefully with this organic curiosity and choices our funny, cheeky, imaginative little cretins will simply grow up to be emotionally healthy adults.

If I got a pound for every time he asked when we're getting The Toddlers hair cut, I'd be rich. Thing Two could demand a short back and sides, insist on wearing a football kit all the time and be obsessed with cars and it would be cute and quirky, The Toddler having long hair and occasionally having fun with his sisters toys however is obviously an utter catastrophe and the end of the world as we know it.  Hair is just hair, toys are just toys as I previously ranted at length about (Does Pink Stink?)

We're not even keeping his hair long to make some grande social statement, we're not doing it to purposefully make people reassess their stereotyping, we do it because we like it, he likes it and it looks cute.

However, on the flip side, I have to ask myself would I be so laid back if it was Thing Two in question?  In the name of honesty I have to shamefacedly admit, on some level, I'd be a tad miffed should someone assume Thing Two was male.  Why is that? Would it really be such a sleight on her beauty?  Can't boys be beautiful too? Is it a greater faux pas to overlook femininity in gender identity than to overlook masculinity?  Is mistaking or removing gender stereotype as potentially dangerous as enforcing it?

All I know is that as The Toddler lies blissfully asleep next to me with his gorgeous long locks mermaided around his cherubic face, I will miss his hair when it finally gets chopped off (for the same reasons as Thing One) but he'll still be the same beautiful little boy....because it's only hair.

A portion of hair please with a side order of fringe.

Many of you will have come to the conclusion by now that I am somewhat fickle when it comes to my hair. It's currently Purple and Green.  I'll dye it black then want it blonde, I'll get close to blonde then dye it bright red which I will then dye Purple or turquoise whilst contemplating copper.  It's not just colour either, I'll have long hair then chop it off only to want it long again, then there is the whole fringe debate.
In all honesty I'm dreadfully grateful and indeed astonished that I haven't managed to kill my hair dead (yet...)
There is an easier way though, I should just literally buy hair. Seriously, why not? Think about it... a colour and length to suit each of my, erm, personalities (what? Did I even once say I was sane?) No more bleaching whilst praying to the hair faeries to please pretty please not make me bald this time. No more Purple ears and Green hands. No more stained bathrooms. No more insomnia induced boredom breakers with The scissors.  No more petulant procrastination on whether to fringe or not to fringe as you can even.....buy clip on fringes! I can see a slight obsession in the making here. 

I am currently lusting after this I can never ever get that ethereal white blond, the nearest I get is cat piss yellow. Also loving this , this and this.

I need to stop looking.....really. where is a sugar daddy when you need one?

This is nearly as cruel as looking at shoes.

Colour Me Happy

I've been dying my hair for 16 years now.  I don't claim to be good at it and i'm awfully fickle.  I've been a host of colours even two contrasting at the same time on several occasions.  I don't do some of the awesome intricate dye jobs you may find pictures of online  because to be frank, I have no patience and hardly any artistic merit.

When it comes to the bright colours I tend to use Directions because I'm familiar with it and it works.  You can also try Special FX, Star Gazer (wasn't personally impressed with this one), Manic Panic and Fudge (fab stuff but doesn't last long and is expensive) etc.

I thought I'd share some tips I've picked up along the way.

• If you see a colour you like on a swatch bare in mind that colour will only look like that on white/bleached hair.  The darker shades (like Dark Tulip etc) will work on darker hair but it will just leave a shiny hint of a colour.  
• If you've never bleached your hair before it generally goes through set stages in colour lifting so don't be alarmed if your hair doesn't look like the Nordic blonde on the box.  Firstly if your hair is dark it will go to a dark copper orange, then a brighter orange, then a strawberry blonde like colour, then a bright yellow then a banana flesh super pale yellow and then white.  Apparently once it goes white your hair has lost a lot of keratin.  You may have to lighten your hair a few times if you have naturally dark hair.  For Red, Orange and purple colours you can get away with just lifting to pale-mid orange.  However, to get a decent blue or green you really need that pale banana flesh colour, using a white toner after lightening can cancel out the brassy tones and make the blue/green take even better.
• If your hair is dyed a dark colour, try using ColourB4 first, it whiffs a bit but is amazing at removing drugstore hair colour from your hair without bleaching.
• These types of vegetable dye can be used straight after lightening as they're very conditioning and after bleaching the hair fibres are more likely to take in more pigment.
• Be prepared, you will need an old top you no longer use, Vaseline, disposable gloves and cling film or a shower cap.
• Before you start wash your hair with a pH balanced shampoo, do NOT condition.  If you rinse with hot water it will open the fibres on your hair to absorb the colour better.
• Towel dry it well otherwise the dye will be far too drippy.
• Put Vaseline around your hair line and your ears.  These dyes stain, it obviously is removable but always best to avoid the purple ears etc in the first place!
• Make sure you have gloves as these dyes do not come with them.
• Once you've coated your hair in dye wrap it in cling film and put a shower cap over the top.  
• It says leave for around 15 mins on the tub.  If you have super bleached hair it will colour in this time but if you want the colour to last you really need to leave it on for at the very least an hour, more if possible.  It will not have any adverse effects on your hair like drugstore dyes, it will just condition it, many people even leave it on over night.
• You can at intervals give it a blast with the hair drier.
• When you rinse it, rinse with water as cool as you can possibly handle, if you use hot water it will open the hair fibres and allow more dye to run out.
• You may have to rinse for a while....
• Make sure you use old/dark towels
• Generally the colour lasts around 6-8 washes but it can be unpredictable and last longer or wash out sooner.  If you want the colour out sooner (why?!) try washing with washing up liquid or head and shoulders/vosene as these can strip dye out of your hair.
• If you want to boost the longevity of the dye add a teaspoon to your conditioner and leave your conditioner on for a few minutes each time you wash your hair.
• If your hair is thick of longer then jaw length you may very well need two tubs.
• All directions shades can be mixed to create your own shades

I really regret...

..getting this dastardly fringe cut in and going back to black.

I do apologise was you expecting something navel deep and prolific?

Granted, things have happened that I wish hadn't in life, big things and bad decisions, however I'm one of those annoying people that believes things to indeed happen to us for a reason and that no journey to any destination worth arriving at is scenic and calm.

So I stick to regretting the small things in life.  I've been dying my hair for 16 years, I've been red, pink, purple, orange, yellow, turquoise, black, ginger etc  Usually I always revert back to black or red.  Even when the results have been interesting to say the least (thinking back to when I accidentally ended up with leeloo hair from Fifth Element) I've never regretted any of it.  Until now.  I spent a portion of time in the recent past attempting to go blonde.  The last time I was blonde was 2003 when I had an early midlife crisis, it cost £80 and within weeks of having it done, I dyed over it with pillar box red.  I've had fringes and no fringes, I've had jaw length hair and hair nearly down to my bum in length.  So I bought some uber-lightener (unfortunately I'm far too much of a wuss to actually purchase and prepare actual hair bleach) and did it twice.  I then bought a lesser lightener.  Followed by some light blonde dyes and some dark blonde dyes.  The best I got was strawberry blonde and I had an episode of the fears, I really didn't want to be bald.  So to try and steer my mind away from any blonde ambitions The Mother kindly paid for me to have my hair chopped and a fringe put it.  However the fringe was supposed to be Betty Page-esque yet wasn't.  I've spent every day since stealing Thing Two's hair slides to pin it to the sides.  I asked for a longish inverted bob and it went rather too short for my liking.  I predictably went back to black to let my hair recover (what can I say, I'm a goth in remission)I originally wanted to dye the fringe pink until I actually had the fringe cut and saw it.

It hasn't gone away though.  I still want to be blonde, god knows why.  I'm so hair fickle that no doubt if i did achieve it I'd dye turquoise or purple within weeks.

So here i am in the worst predicament with black hair and having itchy fingers hovering over the 'buy' button for more lightener.

Somebody stop me (or do it for me, please?)