You know you're in for a bad day when it starts with The Toddler attempting to kick the shit out of Thing One, again and then decides to practice pole dancing up a siblings leg.

I'm doing a mighty fine impression of Rudolph with my nose oh so red.  I'm temporarily dying from illness.  I want to pummel myself into unconsciousness just to have a break from sneezing.  If my nose doesn't quit running I'll be tempted to punch it off my face.  My head feels light and spinny whilst my limbs feel laden.  Everything feels slurred.

At least I have new socks though.  Christmas socks even.  Ha! Take that oh Bah Humbug Husband o'mine.

Christmas shopping phase two has been completed, granted mainly online.  Only two more phases to go, neither of which can start until next month.

The Toddler appears to have graduated from watching himself poo whilst on the loo, gazing between his legs to a rather obscure position of leaning over so far that his head nearly touches his feet, yet still not actually falling off the precarious perch his little cheeks have on his seat.

The was a catastrophic disaster.  The Husband decided to use The Witching Hour (the time after tea yet before bath) to run an errand.  Upon asking Things One and Two to tidy the front room, The Toddler decided to fix an unbroken window with a toy hammer which in itself was fine, pick your battles and all that jazz however I had to act when he decided to trash the room, whilst his siblings attempted to tidy it.

Having carted him upstairs to run the bath, he commenced operation screamathon which consisted of me sat by the bedroom gate whilst he attempted to destroy it, first with his body, then his mind and finally with his volume levels.  Seeing as the gate refused to submit he then decided to destroy me, or my hearing at the very least as he screamed directly into my left ear.  It's still hurting several hours later.  I remained sat on the floor, calmly reiterating exactly why he wasn't going downstairs whilst he continued to shout...and scream.  A lot.  Obviously this was the perfect time for Things One and Two to fall out rather tremendously.  Give me strength Gin.

15 Christmas Shopping Tips.

It's only Halloween.  It's only Bonfire night.  It's only November.  Arse.  It's November.  That means next month is December and with that comes Christmas.  Oh shitsticks.

Every year I vow that the next year I'll be more organised, yet my slatternly ways always assume there's more time than there actually is until bamf, turkeys, tinsel and presents hit me at 100mph sending my head into a 360 exorcist spin.

I have no pigs, let alone ones with blankets.

More importantly I don't have enough Gin to face Operation Christmas.

It's a minefield of strategic planning.  You can blow a thousand elves, but essentially it's still all down to you.  Especially when The Husband is an atrocious Bah Humbug. Buy the presents, wrap the presents, buy the food, cook the food, decorate the tree, psyche the kids up, keep the magic alive, feed the bloody reindeer etc I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

I have started shopping.  Just.  I have about six small presents bought. Go team me!

If you start too early you end up buying more and more as The Cretins add more and more to their Christmas Lists, you get seduced by the onslaught of offers that just keep appearing and you end up needing to fund an extension to store all the loot in as you've run out of hiding places.  There's that much stuff hidden under the bed The Husband thinks you're hiding a fella under there and you try to make the kids believe your bed has mumps.  Leave it to the last minute and nothing is in stock, anywhere.  You're mentally calculating how much in therapy it will cost you when your sweet spawn turn into emo teens who think melancholy is not getting a robotic fish for Christmas 2013.

Unfortunately, sorry, you have to plan.  I know, I know it leaves a bad taste in my mouth too, it even makes the Gin taste off.

Never fear though, put some sweatpants on, take your bra off/scratch your balls, grab some chocolate, turn the tv on and I'll do some of the hard-work for you because I'm nice like that I have no life  I am an insomniac.

1. Lists are your friend.  Obviously get the children to do lists then from their lists make a list of what you're buying them and what other family members are buying them.  I'm a fan of sending relatives lists as although they may think Mickey's Clubhouse teddy is adorable, your Ben10 mad son may disagree somewhat.  In the age of technology you can make lists on amazon or use thethingsiwant.com which allow you to share them easily and for people to mark what they buy so you can keep track.

2.  Set a budget.  I know it sounds obvious but don't be airy fairy about it, set a figure.  Do it.  Not just in total but per person.

3. The figures you just came up with? add 25% shhh! Just do it.  Now, the catch is you're not allowed to spend this bit until the week before Christmas.  Trust me, you'll get to the week before Christmas and you'll realise there is something you forgot or even someone you forgot.  Maybe you didn't factor in the little bits and bats that make up stocking fillers.  Whatever, you'll be glad of this extra money.  If by some miracle you don;t need it, Bombay Sapphire baby!

4. Be wary of offers and don't fall into The False Economy Trap.  Some will be splendid, others will just entice you into buying crap you don't want or need all for the sake of saving a few quid.  They may be great value, but only if you actually need whatever it is that is 'too good to say no to'.  Otherwise you've spent funds yet have things that aren't on the list.

5. Do your research.  Prices can vary drastically for the same item depending on where you buy.  Shop around.

6. Shop online.  You avoid the crowds, the manic panic of shoppers with Christmas berserker fever in their eyes as they elbow, shove and snatch their way through over crowded stores trampling on anyone that gets in their way as you then have to walk battered and bruised in the cold and dark with bags full of things that play stupid tunes every time you step off a kerb as the bags threaten to break.  Not fun.  Stay at home, have a glass of vino and watch Eastenders whilst you browse online.  You're also more likely to stick to budget, will find it easier to compare prices and find promotions and won't be tempted by shiny displays of 'must have' items that nobody has ever mentioned wanting.

7. Be wary of post and packing costs.  Your £3.99 gift isn't a bargain if it costs £4.99 to have it delivered.  Try and limit how many places you buy from to save on delivery costs.

8. Read reviews first.  You may find that the overpriced all singing all dancing plastic nightmare you bought is actually riddled with faults and will be a huge disappointment.

9. If you're buying something electronic, test it works before you wrap it to avoid disappointment on the big day.

10. Utilise companies such as Quidco and Top Cash Back to not only save money but earn money too as you buy things you were going to buy anyway.

11. Save up loyalty points throughout the year to use at Christmas, it all adds up be it boots points of Tesco vouchers.

12. Before you wrap gifts, make a list of what batteries they take so you can make sure you have batteries for everything ready.  Nothing worse a being a kid who gets a toy they can't play with on Christmas day because they have no batteries.

13. Sign up to sites such as secret sales and Zulily for bargains but make sure you research before you buy, some of the bargains are amazing, others may be cheaper on none sale sites.  Also keep an eye out on sites such as groupon as sometimes experiences are better than items and can make unique gifts.

14. Pound shops are your new best friend.  Don't be shy, take a deep breath and CHARGE! You may be surprised at what you find, it's not all tat and you can get oodles of stocking fillers.

15. Before you spend petrol and sanity and go to Waterstones or WHS for book gifts, try The Book People or Red House for some utter bargains.

16. Good luck.  You'll need it.  Just think, you'll have a whole year until it starts all over again.  Don't cry, snot and Gin don't mix.

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?

I'm still here, somewhere although as to whether i'm waving or drowning remains to be seen.

Despite the lounge being festooned with Christmas finery, or should I say looking like the exploded insides of a 1970's tarts handbag I remain to feel festive despite rather liking the festive period.  Perhaps it's a product of my isolation or mayhaps i'm just that bloody miserable.

It doesn't help that I have a loathing for many of the iconic treats, i'd rather suck out a tramps toe jam then eat mince pies, Christmas cake or indeed Christmas pudding.  I would buy some sprigs of festive mistletoe to adorn the house for Yule yet The Cat would probably eat it and failing that I may be forced to actually kiss The Husband.

I have achieved the unheard of and have completed approximately 99% of my shopping with 95% of that being wrapped already, I actually feel somewhat feint at that. I haven't the foggiest as to what must have come over me. Granted it hasn't been without a complaint (or three) due to some unfortunately crap couriers.  One would think that to be a courier, one really rather ought to be able to read and to use a bit of common sense and look for places.  I. won't even begin my tirade at the ridiculously typical inefficiency of The Royal Mail at this time of year.

The Husband and I are frightfully amused at some of our hiding places this year with many of the presents being incredibly right under The Spawns little noses.

Four more sleeps.  More more sleeps and then wham.  It's all over.  How utterly anti climatical and wasteful of emotional energy.

We did the parental duty of watching Thing Two be an endearing wee reindeer singing with her class and managed not to fall asleep through Thing One's carol service with perhaps the most boring rendition of the nativity from another class accompanying it.  I laid back and thought of Vodka.  Oh wait, that was during some other arduous event.

We survived the trauma of The Turkey of Doom.  I'm terribly partial to a roast Turkey and actually relish the idea of leftovers for several days and as such I ordered a frozen beast of a bird which resulted in a spontaneous bezerker behaviour at the freezer, with a hammer.......oops.

I'll regale you with our adventures in random crafting with the kids for Christmas shortly, once I've recovered.

Guest blogging.

I am guest blogging over baby huddle today, come see! http://blog.babyhuddle.com/2012/12/advent-aunt-day-four-present-buying-strategies/

Baby it's cold outside...

I've survived the weekend so far, just.  However, the awful guilt of being very un enid blytonesque saw me making The Toddler a fresh batch of play dough today, whilst I poked about at the dirty pots seeing how many I could get away with not doing.  All was well, his face was one of utter delight as we sat and laughed together, splatting play dough balls  with our hands (after he made me create said balls) we were a poster advert for good mothers.com until The Toddler decided to wander round the kitchen depositing lumps of play dough that i'd lovingly prepared by hand all around the sodding kitchen and when I had the audacity to reprimand him he then decided to lob them, everywhere. Git.

Needless to say I got rather cross and he indeed got rather crosser before he resorted to the age old art of sulking seeing as I dared to turn the lifeline oops I mean television off. Yet to think it as only this morning when he beamed into my eyes with a dazzling smile and called me 'best friend'.

I should learn, I've documented enough disasters on here of when I try to be a proactive at play mum, yet sit me down on the sofa with my life support (aka my phone) and he happily potters around playing a multitude of complex and enchanting games, occasionally stopping to watch a bit if tele or to have a boobie snack perfectly happy as we chat.

Having no idea as to when to expect thee return of The Spawn I didn't even try and get The Toddler to nap today and thus i'm frightfully knackered and am decidedly dreading bedtime tonight as I fear with The Husband still en route home from Austria Things One & Two will concoct a whole repertoire of ailments to prolong the inevitable act of going to sleep.  Joy.  

I'm feeling especially more relaxed on The Christmas Shopping front with the majority of The Husbands presents bought, all of The Spawns 'main' presents (however still an absurdly large amount of smaller gifts to get) I've even bought The Mothers gifts so that just leaves The Nephews, The Brother and The Father as well as the beloved Outlaws. ...& breath.

I'm feeling especially smug as I managed to buy a Didicar for a bargainous price thanks to an offer, some credit and the discount code 20MUMSNE15 (shhh, you can thank me later)  It shamefully wasn't even on the list but I couldn't resist, however this does mean Things One & Two may have to actually share, oh bollocks.  What a genius plan that was.

In a fit of uncharacteristic efficiency I've managed to find and order Thing Two's outfit for The Wedding in January.  

I've even done some laundry today, mayhaps i'm ill?  That would explain it.

Yet to top it all of,  yours truly the absolute craft inept made (yes made) one of Thing Two's presents last night.  She wants to be a ballerina so having bought a cheap pink leotard I've made her a tutu to go with it.  Calm down, relax, it was a no sew one, i'm still me.

So Santa Baby, since I've been an awfully good girl, please pretty please could I have a shiny new camera? If you agree i'll even give you the antidote to the poison in the milk you just drank.  It's not that i'm mean, i'm just terribly desperate. I've been positively lusting after a DSLR for many many years now and I'm sure The Elves won't care too much if you get it from Jessops, you could probably even get some cashback too to spend on Mrs Claus.

Oh bumflaps.  The Spawn are going a tad mental, with The Toddler sat in Thing Two's doll pram as she zooms round the room pushing him whilst Thing One is being a general pissant.  I've been pretending not to notice but I guess I really should referee (aka issue some bollockings) before it all gets out of hand ...

Damn.  Too late.  Boobies to the rescue.

Christmas is coming the MamaUndone is getting fat...

Phew.  Finally a rather small yet all the same much needed sigh of relief, a small dent has been made in the catastrophic event known as Christmas Shopping.  All three of The Spawns 'main' presents have arrived and indeed some of the smaller ones too, ditto to The Husbands presents.  I was slightly too complacent as 'oh it's only October' and then 'relax, it's only November' which has vastly been replaced with 'oh fuckity fuck fuck, it's nearly bloody December' yet with strategic financial planning with military precision due to limited funds it's more a case of buy as soon as you have the money before it disappears on dreadfully boring things like you know..food.  There seems to be two parenting camps when it comes to Christmas, those who successfully employ a modest gift affair rife with meaning and appreciation and then there's us, I confess to going somewhat bananas at Christmas and no that's not to say i'm yellow.   Birthdays and Christmas are the only times when we can do this, it's not like we have holidays or even a car to go places in and we're not religious so for us shallow heathens it really rather is all about the glitter, gluttony and yes...presents at least for the kids for Christmas with The Party Of Five is all about The Spawn.

Even better is the fact that so far, I've barley had to leave the sanctuary of home to do it which society should be dreadfully grateful for, what with my intense loathing of well..people really.  In my old age shopping really isn't fun unless it's done online.  Gone are the days when I reveled in languishing around shops all day at leisure  now it is something to be endured and survive.  I think I've been infected with blokeism, it's okay though my balls aren't hairy.

So with an Amazon shopping list as long as my arm ready to be checked out as soon as I forage and gather more pennies and pesky stocking fillers to be purchased things are so far going smoothly, although no doubt i've jinxed myself by that statement alone.

I'll admit to being terrifically chuffed that I managed to source the bargain wooden market stall by Asda that all stores appear to be unsurprisingly out of stock of and the Asda Direct website have now erased it from their site through a local company that sell on undelivered Asda stock.  We originally went to purchase some bargain toy wrestlers for Thing One and a new doll house for  Thing Two and whilst chatting to the utterly delightful staff I mentioned my woe at the mission impossible of locating the wooden market stall and they said they were expecting some and would save one for us!  How absolutely terrific! True to their word they phoned later in the day and we are collecting one tomorrow.  It is highly probable that my excitement over it will readily surpass that of The Toddler who it is destined for.

So that just leaves the wider family to buy for.  I'm still decidedly torn between hash up hampers of random bought goods or novelty items seeing as our budget is forever low.  As an alternative to 5-10 scratchcards in a Christmas card I've been scouting out other novel 'money' gifts and have been toying over Bingo credit at somewhere like Iceland Bingo.  There is such a minefield of Bingo sites out there it would appear that every company under the sun also have a bingo site, i'll admit to being frightfully bewildered by it all seeing as the last time I played bingo was at my great aunts house , obviously before they died ...though I feel necro-bingo could be going to the Dragons Den soon, you heard it here first.  Oh and I was one of those horrible pesky things, you know, a child.  So, what would you think if someone gave you a gift of some credit for a bingo site? funky and fun or shamefully obscure in a bad way?  Maybe I should just stick to a bottle of plonk and a box of chocolates and be abysmally predictable.

All this planning is awfully exhausting is it vodka o'clock yet?

Mecca of Misery

The Toddler is trying to exterminate me, again.  I have never had a child to go such prolonged bouts of teething.  It feels like we've took one step forward and then three steps back with bedtime taking a small forever and multiple night wakings, feeding all night.  Exhausted would be an understatement.  If he really has his heart set on making me cry he really ought to just poke me in the eye and be done with it, much less time consuming.

The days and consequently weeks appear to be on fast forward,  I feel like time is mere sand slipping through my open fingers.  It seems like only yesterday when it was September and now half way through November that frightful panic is bubbling below the surface as I trip over thoughts of Christmas Shopping, again.  I had finally got some sort of an incomplete list of 'to-buy' for The Spawn ready only to find that typically two of the main gifts are inevitably out of stock, which is bloody awkward.  The Husband keeps bemoaning that he doesn't want any gifts (although he's not shy of posting links on my facebook of things he rather likes) I have ordered three things for him and bought another.  We had a somewhat disastrous trip to the dreaded Primark yesterday avec Le Petite Filous (No not a yogurt you weirdos, it means Little Rascal aka The Toddler)  Bare in mind that Primark is a mecca of misery at the best of times for anti-social people-loathing people such as myself and The Husband but needs must and all that jazz.  The Toddler has realised that if he declares he needs a wee, he get's an exit pass from the sling/buggy.  However, the cheeky little bugger then refused to have an actual wee and proceeded to quite literally run The Husband (to whome patience is not a virtue) ragged, uncharacteristically refusing to hold his hand and making a rather impressive bid for freedom.  Cue my browsing cut short (just when I was contemplating a Borat Mankini and fold away portable pint glass for The Husband, shame) as I joined the queue of doom to the cacophonous of The Toddler wailing his wee heart out, twang...snap...there goes some more of my heart strings.  Gulp.

So laden with the rather impractical paper bag of Primarni goodness whilst praying to the gods it doesn't rain and thus melt the bag, although it will probably rip long before then anyway, we made a short sharp exit.  I eventually calmed The Toddler down and back in the sling on my back he went.  To say nerves were frazzled would be somewhat of an understatement to say the least.  The Husband was most furious, his bad mood hovering above us like a little black raincloud because obviously it was all my fault  (sorry Husband, sorry god) as is everything (world poverty, nach.  Disease and famine? yup.  Death? sorry, that was me too) so homeward bound we went.  I was hoping to walk home just as we'd walked there (approximately 2.5 miles each way) yet with each furthering step my wibbly ankles protested more and more until I had to admit defeat and stop at the bus stop.  Typically the 'frequent' buses become infrequent the instant we decide to wait for one (I must have lied when I was seventeen. Or something)  Still at least catching the bus avoided passing the park again which we let the toddler run rampant round en route to town that morning.  I perched upon the edge of a seat next to an old woman to many coo's and ahh's at the angelic little dude on my back which only intensified when the little bugger fell asleep.

Finally home with a sleeping toddler who I had to resettle in bed (I rather needed my own nap to recover from the abysmal day) I have socks, I have layering tops, I even have a nifty drumstick flavoured chap stick (I kissed a girl and i liked it...) yet apart from a pair of Superman Socks for The Husband, my Christmas shopping list is still alarmingly long (and disastrously incomplete).  Bother.

We tend to get mere token gifts for The Adults in the family and concentrate on The Children.  Scratchcards have already been done so i'm torn between Monopoly money inside a card or perhaps the slightly quirkier idea of poker chips like these maybe? yet in typical MamaUndone fashion I go off on a tangent and get all dreadfully distracted upon seeing this, which I know Thing One would be positively mesmorised by.  See? It's impossible to do any kind of Christmas Shopping without finding yet another thing one of The Spawn would like.

I'm now going to whale about in the bath for a while, whaling being the important word here seeing as i've piled on even more weight and my jeans are now uncomfortably tight, so to commiserate the fact I of course have had to self medicate with chocolate for breakfast (again)  The Idea was to be a size smaller by Christmas, not a size bigger.  Arse.  Big arse even, literally.

I need to fortify myself for yet another attempt at Christmas Shopping next week.

...Whilst sulking because I really really really want to see the new Twilight film.  Shut up.  I know.

How to survive Christmas shopping.

I know most of you are more then likely infinitely more shop savvy then me yet for those of us who aren't I thought i'd share just a few ways of getting the most out of your Christmas shopping online, or should I say the most out of your money.

1.  Google is your friend.  Never ever purchase until you've googled the item to compare prices elsewhere, you may be surprised at how a price can vary for essentially what is the exact same item.

2. Cashback.  It's free to sign up and no admin fee's are taken from your 'earnings'.  Basically you'd be surprised at how many merchants that you frequently use actually offer cashback through a cashback service.   It really is that simple, you get money for spending money.  No hoops to jump through or small print.  Just search for a merchant, make sure you visit the merchant via their link on the cashback site and jobs a good 'un.  Often it's 5% etc other times it's an actual monetary value, especially if you're changing media services, energy suppliers or mobile phone companies, you can literally get £100's of pounds free purely through going via a cashback site.

3. Discount codes.  Never complete checkout until you've googled for promotional codes.  You can often get a range of discounts varying from a percentage discount or free delivery.  It all adds up and every little helps as they say.

4.  Membership sale sites.  If you're a mum you really ought to sign up to Zulily.  Every day at 6am they release new offers on a whole range of items from well known brands from slings, toys, clothing etc for mums and babies/toddlers/children.

5. Discount stores.  Never be afraid to mooch round your local pound shops and Home Bargains.  You can often pick up remarkable bargains.  Often things you'll find going for triple the price on eBay   You can get so much more for your money on the same items you'd purchase elsewhere.  Gifts for everyone from main presents to stocking fillers.  Cheap books, gift sets, clothing and toys!  Also ideal for hampers/baskets and such if you want to make your own hampers.

6. DIY.  If you're craft orientated, seriously do it yourself.  You can make something unique and quirky that the recipient will really appreciate.  Why not do hampers? from Christmas goodies hampers to a movie night hamper or even an indulgent Christmas eve hamper.  You can fill them with bought goods or if you're so inclined home made pickles, chutneys, puddings, home brews, sweets and truffles.  Get the children involved they can make truffles, potato stamp paper for wrapping paper, do salt dough impressions..... kill two birds with one stone that way, entertain the spawn and save money.  Win.

7.  If you're not a member of Amazon Prime you may be eligible for a free trial membership.  The best time to do this is Christmas.  No more stressing about when items will arrive, especially with our rather unpredictable weather.  Free next day delivery on many items.

8. Save up your Tesco club card vouchers as they have club card exchanges at Christmas  last christmas I managed to buy £80 worth of toys for £40.  Can't be bad!