It's only Halloween.  It's only Bonfire night.  It's only November.  Arse.  It's November.  That means next month is December and with that comes Christmas.  Oh shitsticks.

Every year I vow that the next year I'll be more organised, yet my slatternly ways always assume there's more time than there actually is until bamf, turkeys, tinsel and presents hit me at 100mph sending my head into a 360 exorcist spin.

I have no pigs, let alone ones with blankets.

More importantly I don't have enough Gin to face Operation Christmas.

It's a minefield of strategic planning.  You can blow a thousand elves, but essentially it's still all down to you.  Especially when The Husband is an atrocious Bah Humbug. Buy the presents, wrap the presents, buy the food, cook the food, decorate the tree, psyche the kids up, keep the magic alive, feed the bloody reindeer etc I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

I have started shopping.  Just.  I have about six small presents bought. Go team me!

If you start too early you end up buying more and more as The Cretins add more and more to their Christmas Lists, you get seduced by the onslaught of offers that just keep appearing and you end up needing to fund an extension to store all the loot in as you've run out of hiding places.  There's that much stuff hidden under the bed The Husband thinks you're hiding a fella under there and you try to make the kids believe your bed has mumps.  Leave it to the last minute and nothing is in stock, anywhere.  You're mentally calculating how much in therapy it will cost you when your sweet spawn turn into emo teens who think melancholy is not getting a robotic fish for Christmas 2013.

Unfortunately, sorry, you have to plan.  I know, I know it leaves a bad taste in my mouth too, it even makes the Gin taste off.

Never fear though, put some sweatpants on, take your bra off/scratch your balls, grab some chocolate, turn the tv on and I'll do some of the hard-work for you because I'm nice like that I have no life  I am an insomniac.

1. Lists are your friend.  Obviously get the children to do lists then from their lists make a list of what you're buying them and what other family members are buying them.  I'm a fan of sending relatives lists as although they may think Mickey's Clubhouse teddy is adorable, your Ben10 mad son may disagree somewhat.  In the age of technology you can make lists on amazon or use thethingsiwant.com which allow you to share them easily and for people to mark what they buy so you can keep track.

2.  Set a budget.  I know it sounds obvious but don't be airy fairy about it, set a figure.  Do it.  Not just in total but per person.

3. The figures you just came up with? add 25% shhh! Just do it.  Now, the catch is you're not allowed to spend this bit until the week before Christmas.  Trust me, you'll get to the week before Christmas and you'll realise there is something you forgot or even someone you forgot.  Maybe you didn't factor in the little bits and bats that make up stocking fillers.  Whatever, you'll be glad of this extra money.  If by some miracle you don;t need it, Bombay Sapphire baby!

4. Be wary of offers and don't fall into The False Economy Trap.  Some will be splendid, others will just entice you into buying crap you don't want or need all for the sake of saving a few quid.  They may be great value, but only if you actually need whatever it is that is 'too good to say no to'.  Otherwise you've spent funds yet have things that aren't on the list.

5. Do your research.  Prices can vary drastically for the same item depending on where you buy.  Shop around.

6. Shop online.  You avoid the crowds, the manic panic of shoppers with Christmas berserker fever in their eyes as they elbow, shove and snatch their way through over crowded stores trampling on anyone that gets in their way as you then have to walk battered and bruised in the cold and dark with bags full of things that play stupid tunes every time you step off a kerb as the bags threaten to break.  Not fun.  Stay at home, have a glass of vino and watch Eastenders whilst you browse online.  You're also more likely to stick to budget, will find it easier to compare prices and find promotions and won't be tempted by shiny displays of 'must have' items that nobody has ever mentioned wanting.

7. Be wary of post and packing costs.  Your £3.99 gift isn't a bargain if it costs £4.99 to have it delivered.  Try and limit how many places you buy from to save on delivery costs.

8. Read reviews first.  You may find that the overpriced all singing all dancing plastic nightmare you bought is actually riddled with faults and will be a huge disappointment.

9. If you're buying something electronic, test it works before you wrap it to avoid disappointment on the big day.

10. Utilise companies such as Quidco and Top Cash Back to not only save money but earn money too as you buy things you were going to buy anyway.

11. Save up loyalty points throughout the year to use at Christmas, it all adds up be it boots points of Tesco vouchers.

12. Before you wrap gifts, make a list of what batteries they take so you can make sure you have batteries for everything ready.  Nothing worse a being a kid who gets a toy they can't play with on Christmas day because they have no batteries.

13. Sign up to sites such as secret sales and Zulily for bargains but make sure you research before you buy, some of the bargains are amazing, others may be cheaper on none sale sites.  Also keep an eye out on sites such as groupon as sometimes experiences are better than items and can make unique gifts.

14. Pound shops are your new best friend.  Don't be shy, take a deep breath and CHARGE! You may be surprised at what you find, it's not all tat and you can get oodles of stocking fillers.

15. Before you spend petrol and sanity and go to Waterstones or WHS for book gifts, try The Book People or Red House for some utter bargains.

16. Good luck.  You'll need it.  Just think, you'll have a whole year until it starts all over again.  Don't cry, snot and Gin don't mix.

On the thought process of gifting.

The altruistic act of giving someone a gift is usually one that should be one for the benefit of the giftee and not the gifter yet how often do people genuinely think of the giftee?  My family especially have a knack of buying what they want the giftee to have or indeed what they think the giftee should have as opposed to what the giftee actually wants.  That's not to say their heart isn't in the right place, the very fact of giving itself is indeed charitable and honorable yet it is possible to be selfish within a none selfish act.

Take for instance a birthday many years ago, I was visiting Camden for the first time, I was young and gothy and my brother very kindly gave me £50 to spend on myself.  This was incredibly unexpected and undoubtedly generous.  Until the rules came.  He gave me an extended list on what I wasn't allowed to spend it on, which basically included anything and everything I'd actually ever want.  By the end of it, there was no fun in the gift anymore, what at first had been an exhilarating chance to go shopping was now a situation where I didn't even want to look for anything to buy.

So you may think well surely if there is so much you don't wish someone to buy for themselves, why give money and not just an actual gift?  Only he's done this too, usually his old expensive electronic gadgets that he's upgraded which although incredibly generous are often things I neither need nor ever actually want yet it is expected to show gratitude.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't about ungratefulness.  Ungratefulness is vile and terribly uncouth.  This is more about the fragile balance between wanting to treat somebody an deciding what they should like.  Surely true generosity is buying someone something they really want even if you deem it to be utterly crap.

When buying for The Mother who loves jewelry, clothing and pretty things he'll buy her electronic items, again, things he feel she should want because it's an area he is interested in.  The Father will examine lists of what a person desires systematically deleting ever single item he doesn't like.

There's not much I actually want.  My Christmas list is usually empty.  The clothes I like I'm too fat for, most shoes or boots I get I end up selling to pay for other things.  The only thing I am genuinely interested in purely for me is tattoo's and that is one of the things they ban me from buying with any gifted money they may give me.  Why?  Because they don't like tattoos.  I could understand if I wanted to buy heroine or prostitutes but they're fundamentally invalidating my personal taste.  

Surely the notion of gifting is thus at times double edged, is a gift being given to treat the giftee or merely to induce a sense of generosity and promote benevolence within the gifter?  To essentially make them feel like a better person?  To give should be to make someone smile, not to dictate to them what should make them smile and never purely to receive gratitude to inflate your own ego and self worth.

True gifts are unconditional.

The 'C' word.

It's only just turned October yet a few weeks ago, yes, that would be September our local super market was boasting shelves swollen with Christmas stuff. Yes, really, Christmas. What is wrong with people, It's nearly a quarter of a year away! We've only just said so long and farewell at the grey and dismal funeral of our so-called summer.Gosh, It's all gotten rather silly hasn't it?  Is the great British depression so virulent that we've resorted to this? What a load of tosh. surely if we start this early then by the time December graces us the build us leaves naught except a rather unfortunate anti climax.

When you're wee, Christmas is a magical time of sparkle, chocolate and presents. When you're in your spritely youth It's all about getting rather trolleyed with added sparkle to your hangover. Yet when you become a boring grown-up with a husband and spawn it becomes a tactical and logistical headache balancing the timing, finances and organisation whilst portraying a fascade of excitement, peace and magic. Don't bother gift wrapping the Valium just gimme gimme gimme. Perhaps if The Toddler ever decides to night wean I can get squiffy whilst on wrapping duties to alleviate the ennui, it would only take a sniff or two of a wine gum It's been that long. The Husband may even get lucky, at least that would save money on a gift...

Yet Yule aside between November and January there are no less then five birthdays on The Husbands side of the family, how rude of them!

I need a money tree.

Every year since birthing The Spawn I vow to be more organised as opposed to leaving it all until the last week or two.

This year I'm already plotting the token gifts for extended family, perhaps venturing into the rather twee world of the personalised photo calendar. What better gift for The Grandparents then a darling picture of the little darlings aka the grand spawn for each month of 2013? I know, I know, pass the bucket. Yet when you have exhausted all other budget friendly gifts such as alcohol, chocolates, book tokens It's time to get 'personal'.

It was one of those things that I always assumed would be grossly over budget until I was fantasy shopping at Jessops Photo (oh sugar daddy! A dslr please, pretty please) and came across make your own calendar. Jobs a good 'un! That's The Grandparents presents sorted then. Piece of piss this being organised lark. Now....where's the wine gums?.... I'm positively exhausted after all that cyber shopping.