As an adult I think we're often guilty of neglecting to acknowledge the immensity and complexity of emotions that young children experience.  For some absurd reason we seem to assume that until they reach puberty they rely heavily upon the basic instincts of emotion such as sadness, love, happiness and anger.  To an extent they do, yet the problem is that for crude basic emotions, they're actually incredibly large emotions.  A tantrumming child isn't merely being a brat, they're often struggling and lacking the capacity to contain a reactive emotion.  Sometimes an emotion simply becomes too hard and too big to manage.  It has to go somewhere so quite literally it explodes. It comes to the point where they can't control the emotion so the emotion begins to control them. They're furious, indignant and upset. Words are eaten by the flames and the ability to rationally communicate is replaced with lashing out and primal verbalisations.

Occasionally if we're lucky enough we can spot the signs of it brewing and intercept through validating it before it escalates and helping them to understand it; to reason through it with them.  Other times, we're not so lucky.  At this point reasoning is futile.  They're unable to contain the emotion, the emotion is controlling them so they have an inability to reason with it, let alone with you.  The more you try to invalidate and extinguish it, the stronger hold it takes over them and the harder they'll fight against you and reason.  It's tempting to issue sharp words yet since when does fire cancel fire?  Rather than diluting it, in our quest to extinguish it we only feed it.  Their campfire is now a bonfire

It doesn't matter how ridiculous/annoying/pointless we feel the catalyst was, to the preschooler experiencing it, it matters. At this moment in time, it's all that matters.

They're not thinking, they're feeling.  The worst part is they can't stop feeling.  The feelings are consuming them.  And growing.

Yet anger and frustration can be contagious.

Our job is to try and not catch it.

They need us to remain calm more than ever.  They're neither ready nor able to be calm right now yet they need us to be, to represent the calm after the storm.

This isn't to say we mollycoddle them and encourage their outbursts. They'll say hateful things ("I HATE you!") they may even lash out physically.  We need to remember this is the emotion not the child.

Often I'll  try to stay calm (no easy feat for me an i'm only human, I often fail) and let them know i'm here yet I'm not talking to them until they're able to listen. Sometimes, when it's got this far all you can do is let the emotion burn itself out.  Don't retaliate.  If he's screaming at me, I'll turn away.  If he's hitting, i'll block.  The idea is to dilute this.  If only one person is screaming or lashing out without a reaction or retaliation, it will eventually cancel itself out.  Starve the fire.

Eventually they will calm.  Often he'll storm away and remove himself from the situation be it hiding under his train table or sitting in the hall.  On a good day he'll even return and apologise, here is the opener, he's ready to talk.  More importantly, he's ready to listen.  Sometimes he'll just look so exhausted and scared by the enormity of his emotions that if he appears calmer i'll ask him if he'd like a cuddle to help him calm down.  This isn't a reward nor a forgiveness, this is the basic human need for contact.  For security. This is where we can dissect the emotion that triggered all this, to talk about what happened and to reiterate why things happened or decisions were made.  To explain the effect their behavior and emotions have on others.  There is no blame here, only acknowledgement.  You can still acknowledge that perhaps something you said or did caused this whilst maintaining that what you said or did was appropriate and right.  It's important we validate the emotion, it's okay not to like what they're told or asked to do, it's okay to feel angry etc whilst still enforcing that screaming/lashing out isn't okay and your initial decision isn't changing. Reiterate why you made your initial decision, the one they so disliked.  If we want them to lean to accept what we/decide, we too have to learn to accept their feelings towards it.  We can tell them what they can/can't have, where they can/can't go etc but we should never attempt to tell them what they can or can't feel about it.  You can still accept something without liking it.

They probably don't understand their reaction themselves, they'll be exhausted and a little perplexed.  This is why we need to trace it back to the emotion that triggered it.  The more we teach them it's okay to feel something, the easier it will be to then explain that it's not always okay to act on it.

Use feelings in explanations.  Tell them how being shouted at or hit made you feel.  Explain the impact their words have on you.  Ask them how they'd feel if someone they loved said they hated them, or hit them.  Use basic rudimentary emotions that they are struggling with to explain this such as sad or hurt.

I never ask for nor demand an apology.  I feel prompted apologies are meaningless and strip the child of the process of reflection and regret.  They become a get out of jail free card and meaningless. As such, he apologises in his own time.  When he feels it.  When he thinks it.  I'll often thank him for apologising and ask him what he's sorry for/about again opening up the channels for reflection and understanding.  It's important they understand why they're sorry, to do that they have to feel it.  Sometimes the sorry may come immediately other times it will take it's time yet strangely as much as you crave the 'sorry' it's often more appreciated when it's later then you expected it.  It shows they've thought about it.

Recently The Preschooler opened my eyes to another aspect of emotion that I'd somehow not considered before, their inability to combine two battling emotions.  They can feel frustration and anger, they can feel happiness and excitement yet what they can struggle to comprehend is love and anger, love and hate etc.

The Preschooler frequently screams at me lately that he hates me, to which i'll reply along the lines of how that's quite sad or a shame because I still love him.

One evening when he'd been particularly inflammatory and made me terrifically cross, I told him I loved him.  He surprised me when he replied that I can't love him because i'm angry with him.  He genuinely couldn't grasp the concept that you can be angry with someone, hate what they say/do yet still love them.  He appeared to believe that all emotions are transient and you can only occupy one at a time.  This explains the 'i hate you!' in place of 'I hate what you're saying/doing'  The emotion is a whole and the person is a whole, thus if you dislike what the person has done you must thus dislike the person along with it.

I'll admit I've never given thought to this before; the difficulty a child faces accepting multiple emotions and worse, tangled emotions.  Sometimes we have to go back to basics.

Yet it absolutely reinforces that my initial reaction to his hate speech was to state that I loved him.  This is the seed that will grow the understanding that you can love someone yet dislike them at the same time.  That some emotions are unconditional.  That you can love someone in-spite of them as well as because of them.  That he realises even when i'm horrifically cross with him, I still love him.

At times he'll try to make sense of it and when calm he'll either say 'I'm sorry for saying I hate you' or more amusingly 'I hate you a million and love you one' the latter is new.  The latter is showing the growing understanding that you can feel conflicting emotions about someone simultaneously.

I don't think we always give children enough credit for the steep learning curves they go through emotionally.  We often underestimate their level of understanding and their ability to cope with what they feel.

Not being allowed to play ball inside might be logical to us yet that doesn't mean that to them it's not the end of the world.

They must learn to understand themselves before they can understand the world around them and sometimes, maybe, just maybe we just need to remember to try and understand them too.

'I Hate You!'

It's easy to become complacent in parenting and then one of the little sods will throw us a curveball, just to remind us they're all so delightfully different.

The Preschooler has somehow picked up the phrase 'I HATE YOU' and will throw it at us whenever he feels we have done him a disservice. This is new to us. Things One & Two have never uttered this. We've always explained things such as the true meaning of words and to mean what you say. They know that they may strongly dislike something or someone but the chances are they don't actually hate them and vice versa with the term love. So it's somewhat trifling as to where The Preschooler garnered this phrase from that he throws around so readily. It seems we're having to go around this development somewhat arse over tit insofar as to say rather then emphasising the words power and meaning we're having to simultaneously strip it of it too. Why is this parenting lark never simple?

So how do you react to a three year old declaring that he hates you, or his siblings?

Things One and Two have that instinctive response of 'I hate you too' to which we have to insist they refrain from using, because they don't...hate him, not really.  They'll readily admit this when they think about it because that's part of what we're doing, trying to make them think about what they say. To only say something if they mean it. It's like when The Preschooler states 'You're not using my crayons, EVER again!' their instinct is to respond with 'well you're not allowed to use my [whatever] then!' Which isn't terribly helpful. rather than diffuse the situation it merely ignites it. It's teaching The Preschooler that his initial declaration was the right thing to do, that this is how we operate. This is how we treat each other and that too not share out of spite is acceptable.

I'll admit I'm working blind here but I respond to the infamous 'I HATE YOU.' with something along the lines of 'well that's a shame because I love you' I feel it's important to face adversity with security. That he realises no matter what he says, I still love him and he can't make me stop that. It often diffuses the situation. Other times I may reply with 'Oh, that makes Mummy feel sad as she loves you very much' which I feel, subtly without reproach, expresses the effect his words can have on others feelings whilst still re-enforcing that he is loved regardless.  Most of all it's accepting what he's saying.  I may not like it or agree with it and hell, I don't even think he means it but it's important that he feels his thoughts and feelings are valid.  Often we reflect more upon them once they're accepted.

Nine times out of ten within ten minutes he'll either spontaneously tell me he loves me or ever start a conversation with me. With the latter I'll occasionally respond with 'oh but I thought you hated me?' A rather sincere little voice will then tell me 'I don't really' he's had time to reflect on what he's said without being made too.

His other favourite phrase mid rage is 'I'm not talking to you anymore! ' usually said when you're trying to explain something to him. My usual response is an 'okay'. It's frustrating yet I know if I rise to the bait to make him stay and discuss something it will ignite. The lack of reaction is what diffuses this ticking bomb. Predictably within five minutes he'll start a conversation, this is where I remind him of his previous actions 'Oh but I thought you weren't talking to me? ' It's subtle and silent but this is where the penny drops and he realises the ramifications of his words and offers an indignant little 'But I am now! '

Often the above scenario is accompanied by a quality sulk. Usually if I'm trying to have a conversation with him or get him to do something I've asked of him the 'I'm not talking to you! ' is accompanied by him storming off to sulk somewhere. The Little diva even slams doors en route. The huntress within me is raging and indignant. How dare he walk away when I'm talking to him? ! How dare he refuse to pick the pens up that he threw! It goads me to chase and confront. To hunt him down until he submits.

And that urge? That instinctive indignant drive is exactly what fuels his behaviour yet how on earth is he to learn to control it if I can't as an adult?  Instinct is a powerful thing and we shouldn't smother it, the learning curve is that we shouldn't always act upon it.

Practising restraint I have to use the ancient art of patience. Not something that comes naturally to me so it's no surprise that with inheriting my explosive temper they'll also inherit my lacking patience.

Now it's the waiting game. Usually he'll either return with a sincere little 'sorry' or else he will ask something un connected.

If it's the former I'll ask him to tell me why he's sorry. It's important to establish whether he's understood what's happened or whether he just feels it's something he should say. Often he'll surprise me and relay what happened.

If it's the latter I'll calmly state that I'll happily talk after he's picked the pens up. This option he dislikes. It's important that whilst I'm not conversing with him I'm also not completely ignoring him as I feel ignoring is counter productive. To close communication channels completely is sending out a harmful message which could have repercussions on how and what your child communicates to you in the future.

However, I will firmly refuse to engage meaningfully until he's addressed the issue and embarked upon its resolution.

So for now it's the 'I hate you's' and the 'I'm not talking to you's' with the door slammings and sulks. Yes, he's a diva but he's our diva. He's also just a four year old learning how to deal with strong emotions and concepts. It's inevitable that he'll have to push some boundaries in the process. It's intrinsic that he feels secure enough to be able to do this. To know that although his reactions may not always be acceptable, they are valid.

He's learning important life lessons here like people piss you off and likewise you probably piss them off too.

And that's okay.

Honest.

Boys, Boys, Boys.

There is a certain expectation that boys should have an element of bravado about them, to appear tough.  Should a boy cry he isn't hurt or upset he's merely being a 'girl'  a 'cry-baby' or a 'wuss' Why is it that society has been intent for generations to emotionally stunt boys?  Why is it deemed weak for them to express hurt, sadness or fear?

Children are generally emotional creatures, feel  first and think later.  Yet like racism and homophobia they learn other behaviours by example set by the role models in their lives.  If they have been primed into thinking that showing emotion is a weakness, they will then accuse others who show it of being weak.  Their role models changed and shaped them and as such their manufactured attitudes that are a product of this will in turn shape others through peer pressure or worse, bullying.

So many parents attempt to then get their sons to 'toughen up' so that they will not be seen as weak by peers and thus become a target.  Although the intentions are good, it doesn't make it right it just merely re-enforces the ridiculous societal belief that showing emotion is a weakness.  If they're not free to show emotion then they will thus have no ability to cope with emotion and more importantly the excess of it which will in turn lead to frustration and perhaps fear, the fear which must be suppressed and thus starts the cycle again so they react in the only gender acceptable way, physically.  Through gender stereotypical oppression they're being forced into being dysfunctional.  This will shape them and have ramifications upon their future social relationships and how they relate to others.  In turn  this will shape their sons and their sons and their sons.

So what do we do?  What can we do? What should we do?

How do we break the cycle?  How do we break societal believes in order to fix and reset the beliefs?

If we don't prepare them and toughen them up they'll be seen and treated as a pussy and thus suffer and be forced to change.

If we do try a little tough love to roughen their edges, are we not as guilty as the potential bullies?  Are we not doing their work for them, albeit with somewhat purer intentions at heart?

What about if you have an especially emotive son?  One who is quick to anger, quick to upset, quick to cry?  He's beautiful and unique.  He's potential bully fodder.

Or should we simply let them be the so-called 'cry-baby' let them be who they are, free to feel whatever they feel......... yet teach them how to say 'fuck you' with a roundhouse and left hook anyway?

How to we stop this emotional oppression?  Boys aren't just boys, they're people.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

There are certain words which we assume our children should recite when appropriate such as their p's an q's in the hope that they should become a natural response.  I doubt I'm alone in the pride I feel when all three of The Spawn reliably and consistently use their manners and most importantly unprompted which suggests that not only do they simply know the words but to use them correctly and independently they must also thus understand the meaning of them too in order to appropriate them to situations.  The Husband and I frequently have random strangers compliment our childrens good manners.

Yet another word we seem to do this with is sorry,  how often does the meaning get lost as the word is more oft than not used as a simple get out clause.  I'm sure many of us are guilty when our little shit darling does something unsavory or lets be honest down right gittish, we glower at them and then with saccharine sweetness prompt 'say sorry darling' or 'ahem, is there something you want to say?'  Here's the thing, sorry is just another five letter word unless you mean it.  This is how over time words have lost their true brevity and meaning as they become overused and lazily used such as the words love and hate.  You love your child yet you really like ice cream.  You may hate the government yet you actually only strongly dislike brussel sprouts.  Another one of these gems is the word depressed.  How often to we here people bemoan 'oh god, i'm so depressed' yet in truth they're usually only sad/bored/fed up/melodramatic yet because of the blase and incorrect use of the word it's meaning is affected so that when someone is truly clinically depressed it is often cast aside as something transient and benign.

I hold my hands up, I never really thought about the whole sorry thing with Thing One and Thing Two, they were occasionally prompted yet mostly offered up the word themselves and then they get to that age when you listen and realise, they say it because it's expected.  They say it as damage limitation or more often bollocking limitation to draw a line under something and return to terrorising the world.  Yet when you catch that twang of sarcasm or that derisive and clipped 'soz.' you realise that the meaning isn't actually there.

So now we come to The Toddler. If he accidentally hurts you or accidentally breaks something, he offers up a genuine and instinctive 'sorry!!! I vewy sowwy !' near instantly yet should he lash out in anger or in spite, you'd have better luck getting blood from a stone than a sorry from him.  Why?  Because quite simply at that moment in time, he actually isn't bloody sorry and thus sees no reason to say it.  His negative act was on purpose and meant.  At that moment in time he wanted to hurt/break/upset something or more often, someone.  He isn't ready to be sorry because he has to deal with the emotion that motivated the act before he can feel remorse.   So how useful really would it be to prod and prompt a sorry out of him before he is ready to feel it and thus mean it?  Sorry isn't a word you should resent.  It's a process.

Yes he was most likely in the wrong.  Yet surely it's more important to understand that than it is to utter a word without meaning and brush it all under the carpet?

So I'm working consistently to prevent The Husband from forcing apologies from The Toddler to Things One & Two and to instead help The Toddler recognise the motivating emotion behind the action, then to admit the action in question and discuss it's affect on the afflicted party then leave it up to The Toddler to decide if he is in fact sorry.  It may be minutes later or even hours but sure enough eventually and calmly The Toddler will approach them and offer a sincere and genuine apology.   Surely this is far more desirable than a forced anger tainted 'sorry.' It's teaching him reflection, empathy and remorse whilst respecting his negative yet valid emotions.

Communication is a tool for life and one of the many gifts we can give our children.  They are instinctual creatures and react predominantly on a physical level, this is natural.  If Thing One pisses The Toddler off, he usually lashes out.  Right? no. Natural? yes.  Admit it, tell me you haven't thought about smacking someone in the face when they annoy the hell out of you?  Is it wrong to feel that way?  No.  However, as we mature we learn it would be wrong to act upon it.  This is something our little ones have yet to fully grasp that whilst it's okay to feel something negative it's not always okay to act on it.  We're making progress, quite often now The Toddler, rather than hitting the shit out of Thing One will instead come storming in, quivering with potent rage whilst proclaiming 'Mummy.....I REALLY ANGY'.  I let him know it's okay to feel angry and invite him to have a cuddle and talk about what he is angry about, offering explanations as I accept what he feels.  His anger may not be desirable, it may not even in our eyes be justified but it isn't wrong and he has a right to feel that way.  Sometimes that's all they need to calm down is validation and explanation and for us to remember that whilst being the subject of someones anger is awful, it's not exactly a barrel of laughs being the angry one either, especially when you may not yet understand how to deal with such a big bad emotion.

So next time you feel your child should be saying sorry, concentrate more on helping them feel it.  If they're not ready to talk about it, fine.  Give them their space to calm down, let them know you're not happy with what they did, as it made x sad/hurt/angry and when they're ready to talk about it, you'll be there.  Don't crowd them.  Don't force them to talk before they're ready, you'll just fuel the emotion they're already struggling to deal with. Let them be angry, this will then allow them to be sorry. Go offer solace to the afflicted party if needed rather than feeding the offending party, try not to answer anger with anger no matter how awful the act was, yelling at an angry upset toddler to calm down, just isn't going to work.  You can't put fire out with fire. If you want to reason with your child you have to be reasonable.

Sorry is only the hardest word when you're made to say it when you're not ready to feel it.