There is a certain expectation that boys should have an element of bravado about them, to appear tough.  Should a boy cry he isn't hurt or upset he's merely being a 'girl'  a 'cry-baby' or a 'wuss' Why is it that society has been intent for generations to emotionally stunt boys?  Why is it deemed weak for them to express hurt, sadness or fear?

Children are generally emotional creatures, feel  first and think later.  Yet like racism and homophobia they learn other behaviours by example set by the role models in their lives.  If they have been primed into thinking that showing emotion is a weakness, they will then accuse others who show it of being weak.  Their role models changed and shaped them and as such their manufactured attitudes that are a product of this will in turn shape others through peer pressure or worse, bullying.

So many parents attempt to then get their sons to 'toughen up' so that they will not be seen as weak by peers and thus become a target.  Although the intentions are good, it doesn't make it right it just merely re-enforces the ridiculous societal belief that showing emotion is a weakness.  If they're not free to show emotion then they will thus have no ability to cope with emotion and more importantly the excess of it which will in turn lead to frustration and perhaps fear, the fear which must be suppressed and thus starts the cycle again so they react in the only gender acceptable way, physically.  Through gender stereotypical oppression they're being forced into being dysfunctional.  This will shape them and have ramifications upon their future social relationships and how they relate to others.  In turn  this will shape their sons and their sons and their sons.

So what do we do?  What can we do? What should we do?

How do we break the cycle?  How do we break societal believes in order to fix and reset the beliefs?

If we don't prepare them and toughen them up they'll be seen and treated as a pussy and thus suffer and be forced to change.

If we do try a little tough love to roughen their edges, are we not as guilty as the potential bullies?  Are we not doing their work for them, albeit with somewhat purer intentions at heart?

What about if you have an especially emotive son?  One who is quick to anger, quick to upset, quick to cry?  He's beautiful and unique.  He's potential bully fodder.

Or should we simply let them be the so-called 'cry-baby' let them be who they are, free to feel whatever they feel......... yet teach them how to say 'fuck you' with a roundhouse and left hook anyway?

How to we stop this emotional oppression?  Boys aren't just boys, they're people.

The Jezza K show of parenting

If you live in an area similar to ours, you're probably no stranger to daily displays of irresponsible parenting.  Parenting isn't a label, it's a responsibility.  We are nurturing the future.

I know that kids will be kids and to an extent I believe this yet at which point are parents supposed to step in and instill some element of common decency and social awareness into them? At which point must parents take responsibility for their influence and indeed lack of as the case may be, realising that they're shaping our future society?

You are the God in your childs universe as your actions and words translate to them how they're supposed to be.  What you say and do as wells as all that you don't sends encrypted messages that only they can decipher.

Children learn through replicating.

If you swear at them or even in their company you are teaching them that it's an appropriate way to address people and communicate

If you smoke around them, you're teaching them that smoking is okay.

If you're violent in their presence, you're teaching them that violence is an acceptable problem solver.

Likewise if you fail to reprimand negative behaviour in them, you're teaching them that what they're doing is okay.

Be aware of your surroundings before you act and ask yourself if your behaviour is environment and audience appropriate.

Think.

In the school playground parents stand in onesied clusters, having desperately leeched every last lungful of cigarette, right at the school gates where all the children have to pass, effin' and jeffin' like teenagers on a bus where small children are waiting with parents for their not much bigger siblings.  I don't want my children subjected to your filthy mouth and you should be ashamed of the fact that you appear unable to restrain yourself and indeed wholly unaware that in the presence of children, this is not okay.

Children don't need to see you at half past three, with a can of lager outside the school gates.

So when you routinely swear at your child, seeing as you appear to believe profanity is acceptable bridging words in your sentences, they will swear back at you and to others because the message you have sent them, is that this is how we communicate.  When you grab and push them to hurry them up or chide them, they will in turn think asserting physical power over another is an acceptable way to control somebody, to get them to submit to your desire.  Your children feel comfortable littering in your presence because you never told them it's not okay.  Even The Toddler knows to bin it or pocket it.

There are certain behaviours and habits you're allowed to possess yet you need to realise there is a time and a place and in the presence of your children or other peoples children isn't the time nor the place.  Nobody is perfect, most of us are guilty of slipping a swear word out yet not in standard conversation rather in the true sense of profanity as an exclamation.  Children should know that there are things that adults can do and children shouldn't do.  Things they shouldn't repeat until they're older.  The key is to establish context and educate them.

It's like at the park, you sit on a bench in a childrens place and light up a cigarette. You seem to think this is okay, acceptable. Your child is pushing in front of all the smaller children.  You never thought to tell them that this is wrong.  Your apathy has told them this is an okay way to act.  Then they go on the swing, you're not there to suggest that maybe the other child who has been waiting patiently for fifteen minutes now should have a go.  Your child swearing around other children isn't okay.  Yet you've never told them that.  Should responsible adults attempt to verbally frown on their behaviour, they get verbal abuse back.  You never told them this wasn't okay.  You talk to them like that all the time.  They have never learned respect.

Your behaviour should directly inspire your children to be the best person they can be.

At home The Spawn are boistrous and fight as siblings do yet in public?  They always say please and thankyou, unprompted.  They help others without needing to be asked.  They hold doors open.  If they see you drop something, they'll pick it up for you.  If they find something, they'll give it back.  When your children push past them, they don't push back.  They let them past.  They wait their turn, even when your children blatantly aren't.  They'll get off the swing they waited ages for after only a short go, because another child is waiting. They're empathic and kind.  They have a healthy respect for grownups and peers.  They're articulate and expressive with no need to swear.  They're no angels, but they understand how to treat others and their environment.

It's children like ours, and if you're reading this, probably yours too that give me hope.  Hope that the future isn't entirely lost.  Hope that society can get better.

Of Ink and small mindedness

To those that follow me on Twitter it will come as no surprise that I recently added to my ever increasing, albeit slowly, collection of tattoos.  Sorry Dad. Sorry God.

There seems to be such a divide in attitudes to tattoos, take my parents for instance they find them utterly abhorrent.  When getting my sixth The Father implored to The Mother 'Well?! what are you going to do about it?!' to which she replied resignedly '[The Father], she's in her thirties and besides, she's bigger than me...what do you expect me to do?'  Do you see what I have to deal with?  They have yet to have the pleasure of seeing number seven, yet.  I find it terribly irksome when those who are anti-tattoo's seem intent on preaching about their utter disgust of them to those with them yet I know not of a single inked person who tries to convert and admonish those against them.  I don't expect everybody for one moment to appreciate and like tattoos yet what gives them the right to openly criticise them?  It reeks of self-righteousness and is reminiscent of street preachers desperate to convert you.  If one is so convinced by their belief and choices and confident within it why feel the need to have everyone agree with you?  Is your own opinion that fickle and weak?

Body modification is such a personal thing, believe it or not the majority of us don't do it to irk society or sleight their parents.  It's a form of self expression when one can claim their body, their skin, as their own.  It's empowering.  Even amongst those with ink one persons beauty is another's ugliness with the spectrum of the inked ranging from those with the small subtle hidden fashionable flash designs to those with what can only be described as works of art, from the obvious to the obscure.  It's not always about making a statement or a visible rebellion, often it runs deeper than that with many tattoos embodying and representing meaningful events and feelings.

It's no longer reserved for criminals and tantrumming teenagers with the likes of professionals and  respected individuals within social power sporting them too.  So that old adage of 'you'll never get a decent job with those' is not only grossly outdated but also utterly incorrect.

Tattoos hurt.  Yes, really.  Some more than others granted yet to those with more than one they must be invested in it to get them.  So people saying 'yes, but what will you look like when you're older?!' is a mute point.  Few people get multiple tattoos merely on a whim, it is insulting to assume we neither think about them nor understand their longevity.  Nobody is terrifically pretty when old, we all have bits that go south, we all wrinkle and resemble crepe paper, we all sprout hairs in places we really shouldn't and lose hair in the places we'd quite like to keep it.  Tattoo's aren't a fashionable accessory they're an extension of self; an exhibit of our soul.  A pictorial autobiography of our soul.  Each one tell a story or represents ourselves at a point in time.  To regret it all would be to regret oneself; to regret life.  So what? we'll look old and tattooed, others will be old and fat or old and stooped or old and hairy.  The Mother In Law only started getting tattoos a few years ago, small token tattoos that she loves, is she going to regret them? No.  She's had a lifetime to contemplate them.

Being tattooed doesn't maker you less of a person or a substandard member of society.  It is neither a reflection of your morals, ability nor intelligence.

Most of all it's not a reflection of you.  They're neither for you nor about you.  Taking them as a personal sleight is merely a sign or your own arrogance and egocentricity. If you don't like them that's fine, really it is, you don't have to get any.  You don't have to like them yet you have no right to judge them or worse, the person beneath them.  Tattoos on others have no affect on your life.  One day, the person who saves your life, may have tattoos.  Bare that in mind.....

Men: they're not all bad.

Before I start this disjointed and spontaneous little rant in my sleep deprived state, I'm not attempting to start a debate on the ins and outs of inequality, feminism and such.  As much as I believe in what I say there is an element of tongue in cheek involved at times. This isn't a political nor social forum of discussion, I don't need educating in definitions and propaganda.

Equality is a term that we see often bandied about or more the notion of inequality.  Now the feminists amongst us will probably start hurling rocks at me, but on a basic level, are we meant to be equal   Are we made to equal each other or to compliment each other?

Is it 'fair' that woman get to experience pregnancy and birth  and men do not?  That the woman get a baby shower?  That she gets maternity leave as opposed to the new 2 week paternity leave? Is it fair that a wedding is considered 'The Brides Special Day?' and often the men just have to fit into her plans?  Is it fair that if a man ogles and wolf whistles at a woman he's a letch yet if a woman and her peers 'check out' a man, it's just a bit of fun?  Is it fair that male strippers are considered raunchy, risque and fun yet a female is merely cheap and slutty?  Upon proposing it's traditional for the man to buy a ring and there is an expectation that it should be expensive, really is that fair?.  Little girls can be Scouts yet boys can't be brownies. Domestic abuse against a woman is considered grave and hideous yet against a man when the woman is the perpetrator it's often unspoken of and ridiculed.  

It works both ways.

The male midwife or beautician who's laughed at by his mates and given a raised eyebrow from his patients.  The SAHD who obviously mustn't be able to find a real job like a real man and be the sole breadwinner to support his family. The man in the office/shop who's 'expected' to do the 'heavy/dirty' work.

Yes we know 'but woman get paid less in the same industries as male counter parts' and it's so hard and unfair being a woman competing against men.

Maybe that is exactly it though.  Maybe we shouldn't be competing.  There is a risk of saying 'we are equal' for it to then become 'and we're better' which is as far from equal as it can get. 

What is wrong with being a woman.  I'm all for woman being whatever they want to be in life, yet why is it that in striving through industry and politics it now becomes almost taboo to want to be a SAHM?  That to want to stay at home with your children or want a mere job instead of a career is somehow a slight on the female population.  That there is something wrong with wanting to look after the house and cook for your husband that it somehow makes you lacking in aspiration, motivation and dynamism.  Likewise what is so wrong with a man wanting to provide for his wife and children?  To want to hold a door open for a woman, to pull a chair out for her or give up his seat or even jacket for her?  Generally males are physiologically built to handle certain tasks easier then their female counterparts, so is it therefore wrong for him to lift and move heavy items and do more DIY? To want to protect a woman?  As happy as I am to 'go dutch' is it now a faux pas for a man wanting to 'take care of the bill'? or open the car door. What about the the page three girl who is more then happy with her chosen career, she enjoys it and gets paid well yet other woman are irate and outraged on her behalf at being so exploited.  Where is the woman's right to choose here? Through trying to not be dictated to by men are woman now dictating to each other on how we ought to be/feel/think? 

The majority of strife within my life has be in fact caused by woman.  In the work place? Opression and bullying from a female boss despite there being many more men in the job.  Problems with Medics?  They were all female.  It wasn't the men in these instances opressing me, bullying  me, belittling me.  It wasn't because I was a woman, it's because they were arses.

It's as if it's wrong to be feminine or masculine.  Are we working towards an androgynous race? Is it terribly wrong to be a man or a woman instead of a person?  

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand and sympathise with the plights of woman in wanting equality.  I do feel, regardless of gender, each person should have the same rights, opportunities and choices.  I do, I really do.  I know that we could take a different take on most examples and turn the tables in favour of men.

Yet sometimes we forget, sometimes men get the rough end of the deal too.  Sometimes in life it's as if they really can't do right for doing wrong and vice versa.  It's not always the blokes fault, maybe we should cut them some slack..... if they're not gentlemen they're chauvinistic pricks, if they are then they're also... chauvinistic pricks.  Yet we, as woman, reserve the right to be mortally offended either way.

Hatastrophe

Despite owning several hats, there are but two that The Toddler will permit to take us temporary residence upon his head, one of which he often insists on wearing regardless of season and even in The Grandads car so that The Grandad has dubbed it 'the motoring hat'

So imagine the absolute horror that engulfed me when walking around Morrisons one dark and wet evening I noticed that it was indeed gone. It had been there minutes before. Utter panic. Shit.
For you see, this isn't just any hat. It's irreplaceable. It was handmade by a very dear friend and it rather fabulous.

So I did a swift u-turn with the buggy and retraced my steps with the utter concentration of a natural hat predator whilst resisting the ever increasing urge to a) flap like a girl and b) spew forth a vibrant rainbow of loud obscenities. This was much harder then you think.

I looked up, down, round and round yet it wasn't here it wasn't there that bloody hat wasn't anywhere. Bollocks.

I went outside to issue forth the command of search to The Spawn when something caught my eye....on one of the shiny metal bollards was a suspiciously familiar hat. Hoorah! Some bloody brilliant and rather honest person had obviously found it and rather kindly placed it somewhere clean, dry and visible.

You know your life is rather lacking when you blog about a missing hat.....

However it is a remarkably awesome hat and It's moments like this that restore a little faith in The human race reminding us that despite evidence to suggest otherwise, not everyone is related to Mike Hunt.