Sometimes as a parent it's hard to relinquish control over the bodies of our children.  To realise that although they're our child, they're their own person.  It's their body.

They spend the majority of their days in uniform being taught to conform, to be the same.  They are told what to wear and how to wear it even down to their shoes and socks.  They have no freedom of choice or self expression.  It's all decided for them and then dictated to them.

Through the eyes of children

I challenged myself to stand, starkers, in front of a full length mirror and pick one thing about my body that is 'okay'.  It was a harder task then it sounds. I saw my lank hair.  I saw my weary eyes.  I saw my straggly brows.  I saw a double chin.  I saw bingo wings. I saw a thick waist. I saw a forehead scored with creases and lines.   I saw a large overhanging belly ravaged with stretchmarks. I saw back fat. I saw tits I could dust my toes with.  I eventually decided on my knees. My knees are okay.  I could look at my knees without feeling sick.  They're not fab knees by any means.  They're just inoffensive. 

If I had to describe myself I'd say 5 ft 7 ish, blue/green eyes,  dark red hair, pale skin, pierced,  tattooed, dowdy,  aged,  fat and ugly.  

The next task was even harder; to look at my inner reflection.  The 'Me'. My inner reflection is crippled by mental illness.  I used to be lots of things.  I had infinite likes and dislikes.  I could inspire and be inspired. I was opinionated and present.  I could lead. I was alive. I had a look. I could be vibrant,  quirky,  bubbly,  intense and yes.... fucking annoying.  But I was someone (at times it felt like I was several someones) I was something.  

Now? I'm nobody.  I'm nothing. 

It's not an emo thing.  It's an empty thing. 

I rarely leave the house. I don't speak to anyone.  I have no hobbies or interests anymore.  The few friends I have, live in my computer.  I rarely wear makeup.  I often forget to brush my hair.  I  have only a handful of clothes; they're bland.   I have to concentrate to remember to talk or move or even just to be. I'm insular, anxious, sad, angry, lonely boring, numb and empty.  I enjoy very few things other than The Spawn.

I can't define myself because there's not enough me to define.

I worry that my kids deserve better.  That they deserve more.  That they'll resent me for hardly going out.  For not being interesting or funny or beautiful.  For failing at Pinterest. 

So I asked them to describe me.  And they did. 

Kids are brutal.  And honest.  I expected them to say that I'm fat, cross, sad, boring and never go anywhere or do anything with them.  

Never assume how others see you.  Don't let who and what you think you are define how you think others see you. They have their own eyes and minds.

Take a walk outside your mind.

You only have one life. It's wasted if you live it inside yourself.

We are our own prison.

I'm Mamaundone,  I have okay knees, awesome kids and my story isn't over yet .

There's a lot of blank pages to fill.



Look in a mirror today.  Tell me:

* One part of your body you like
* Something about your face you like
* Three positive things about your personality.

Talking to girls

No matter how we try to eradicate it it still remains that society primarily views females aesthetically and judges them upon looks so it's no surprise that many young girls question their validity in society due to not fitting the mythical airbrushed norm.

There is nothing worn with telling your daughter that she is pretty.  She is and it's important for her to believe this, however, should her self esteem wander off and she's used to primarily being complimented on physicality she needs to have re-enforced that physicality is just one part of an amazing whole.

Never forget to tell her that she's also brave, strong, quick, witty, agile, creative, intelligent, empathic etc.  That she has many many qualities that make her so perfectly her.  It's also important to emphasise how they make you and others feel, such as loved, proud, happy.  To know that she can positively effect people because of who she is and not what she looks like.

It's natural to compliment how a person looks, it's an instant feel good buzz if someone compliments you.  However, think about what part of her you're aiming to compliment.

For instance, if your child is looking particularly slim, in a healthy way:

Don't  say: 'wow look at you skinny minnie!' even if you're saying it with affection or even with well intended humour, you're essentially sending the message that she is only looking good because she's slim and that she must stay that way, re-enforcing the illusion that to be beautiful you have to be slim.

Instead: Focus on the overall thing she is exuding such as 'you're looking really healthy' or 'you're glowing lately!' This suggests that she as a whole is looking well and happy focusing on the person not the body.

Maybe your older child is experimenting with make-up and despite your better judgement it actually really suits her.

Don't say: 'Is that new make-up? it makes you look stunning' This is suggesting that it is only the make-up that makes her beautiful and that she must therefore need it to be beautiful.

Instead: focus on something particular such as 'I really like that colour lipstick on you' or 'you have such pretty eyes, that colour eye-shadow works well with them' in these examples you complimenting the product yet not insinuating she looks better for wearing it and in the latter example you're placing the emphasis on her eyes, not the eye-shadow.  This way you're sending a message that she improves the make-up not vice versa and that make-up can be fun and interesting yet it's not needed, it doesn't improve her as she's already enough without it.

Never reprimand a girl for not being girly enough or insinuate that she can't do nor be something because she's female.  Never make her feel like she should be doing something or liking something purely because she's a girl.  She is a person, not a gender.  Likewise, never try and purposefully de-feminise her, do not use or mould her to make your own point against gender roles and stereotypes. Both are forms of oppression, despite your liberalising intentions.  In both instances you're impressing upon her what she should and shouldn't be.

A friend just said to me 'when a little girl tells me she is a princess - I always say - 'what is your special power princess'? and they never struggle to tell me ' which I find incredibly empowering.

Despite being close to My Mother, I never truly feel able to confide in her though to be honest I don't confide in anyone as a rule of thumb.  I don't ever remember her explaining periods or sex to me, I just pieced things together from stuff I'd heard and read.  She never knew about my disordered eating nor self harm.  Even now, she has absolutely no idea that I'm on long term medication for depression nor that I've been referred.  I didn't tell her when a few years ago I had a tiny lump on my breast nor when my periods were so erratic with spotting that I feared the worst.  If I argue with The Husband, I never talk to her about it.  Don't get me wrong, It's not her fault.  Not at all.  However, I want Thing Two to feel she can come to me.  I want to be open from the start.  I want to be the one who makes her feel better.  The one who helps her untangle the confusion.  The one who offers the explanations and possible answers to her questions.  I never, ever want her to be as insulated as me, because it's not healthy and even now, I'd sell my soul to feel able to talk, really talk to someone.

I never want to make her feel fat or ugly or not enough.  I never want to make her feel selfish, ungrateful or a burden.

Through relationships both social and romantic, even when her wings have fully grown I want her to feel like should she need me, I'll always be her home.  Should it be to celebrate or commiserate, even if she chooses not to come to me, I'd like her still to feel that she could if she wanted or needed to.

I'll admit, it can be impossible to get her to explain what's upset her at times and I'd be lying if I said this didn't worry me.  Bottling things up isn't healthy nor helpful.  I just have to trust her that if it was something significant enough to need help, she'd tell me.

I want her to believe she can be anything and do anything.

So through honesty and respect and being careful with how we express what we mean I hope that no matter how much life tries to turn her into rubble, that she believes she is a sky scraper.

The Beginning Of Body Image

As Mothers of girls, we often fear the effect the media has or will have on our daughters sense of self worth and body image yet often through concentrating on the big bad villainous media we overlook a girls biggest influence; their Mother.  Long before they are aware of the media, the way they see the world is shaped by what they see and be it play or academia children learn through replication.

How often has your child heard you complain you're fat? How often have they sat down to eat and seen you either not eat or eat something entirely different?  How often have they heard you talk about carbs or calories? Perhaps your child sees your daily ritual of applying make-up before you leave the house?  It's so easy to bitch about celebrities we see whether they've lost weight or put on weight.:

The point is, long before they are exposed to The Media we may have already unknowingly taught them that:

* It's 'wrong' to be fat
* We should diet
* We need to be slim to be accepted
* Certain foods are forbidden
* If we're not slim we're lesser or ugly
* That we should restrict what we eat
* That we need to wear makeup to be 'pretty'
* That we only feel good when we're slim

I'm overweight, a lot.  I feel ugly inside and out most of my life.  Yet, I still ensure I don't hide reality.  The children will use the loo and chat to us whilst we're in the bath.  They know what real bodies look like.  I think it's important that we appear unashamed of our bodies.  That they see that muffin tops, toe dusting boobs, stretch marks etc are all normal.

Has your daughter ever seen you shave your legs?  Do you tell her 'It's what grown-ups do' or do you tell her that personally you don't like the hair on your legs so you choose to remove it.  One gives the message that it's expected and something grown-ups should to do, the latter suggests it's a choice and personal preference.

When I grew up it would seem my mother was permanently on a diet and rarely ever left the house without make-up on.  Even to this day The Husband is endlessly amused how she'll reapply her lipstick before she leaves the house, if she goes to the loo, on the bus etc.  She put me on my first diet at age seven.  Every time she washes her hair she'll then start the time consuming task of drying and styling it meticulously.  Even when wearing jeans she still looks coiffed.  Do you say 'I just need to put my make up on' instead of 'I'd just like to put some make-up on?' They both send out very different messages.

Putting the fact I'm a mentalist aside I'm also probably a slummy mummy.  I wash my hair and let it dry itself.  I only put make-up on if the mood strikes.  I either slum it in jeans and hoodies or else look like a psychotic clown of gothy death.  Hopefully Thing Two will learn to wear whatever she wants, whatever feels comfortable and that the only person she needs to dress for is herself.  I want her to know that she doesn't need make-up or false nails or a tan to be beautiful.  I want her to know that she is enough.  That the only thing she should be or needs to be is herself.  I want her to know the importance of healthy food and exercise yet to realise it's also fine to curl up on the sofa and eat chocolate and ice cream.  I want her to realise that a size 0 isn't 'the norm'.  I want her to learn to love all that make her so irresistibly her, like the little bump on the side of her nose or the missing top tooth that has taken 5 years to even think of reappearing.

I want her to realise that the outside is not a reflection of the inside.  An apple can look perfect yet still be rotten inside.  That there is no perfect.  That it doesn't exist, it's all subjective.

I want her to look beyond the skin of others.

I want her to accept that it's okay if somebody doesn't like her, it's not about her it's about them .

I want her to be comfortable in her own skin.

It's not just about the girls though.  Never underestimate the effect your own body image has on your son too.  You are their female role model, you are what teaches them what a woman is and in their mind how a woman should be.  How you present yourself can determine how they judge other females.  You are their point of reference.  The messages you send out about yourself can directly influence how they view females  and can form the basis of what they expect and accept as being healthy and normal.  You are their first point of reference, their default image to womanhood.

Sticks and Stones

...but words will never hurt me?

We all know the rhyme, it's drummed into us from childhood as armour against others with the belief that it's only words and they can't hurt us.  Yet if you hit someone, it may bruise but the bruise will heal.  Words alter the autobiography of your soul and redefine how you see yourself.

So how apt that those that love us most are often the culprits in distorting who we are as they translate who we are into some tongue we can't decipher.  Worse still, they don't even realise it.

How many of us are guilty of inadvertently undoing the work of building skyscrapers within our children reducing them to rubble?

When angry, frustrated or disappointed with one you love, think about what you say.  Try and separate the person from the behaviour.  The behaviour they  can change, themselves they cannot.   Only you can change a person, rewiring their soul with blunt trauma from words.  It's so easy to to label the person when what we should be labelling is the behaviour.  'You stupid boy/girl!' instead of 'That was a really stupid thing to do' or 'You're so selfish and mean' rather than 'That was quite a mean thing to do, It was rather selfish.'  It's not about pussyfooting around or pandering it's simple psychology.  

If you tell someone they're something enough times, they'll start to believe it and thus become it. 

 Take the victim of domestic abuse who is routinely told they're useless, worthless and stupid they redesign their mentality into believing it and thus becoming it for if it wasn't true why would you keep saying it?  Or the child victim of bullying who's constantly told they're fat, ugly, stupid and then start to skip meals and bloodlet at home, because it's been said so many time it must be true, they begin to hate themselves as much as they feel hated by others.   Essentially, they become the labels they were given.  Then there's the 'naughty' child, once told they're naughty enough times, they start to believe that is who and what they are and thus act accordingly to that label as they feel that is what's expected of them.  You've already told them that's who they are and not merely what they do.  Why would they not believe you?  You can't fight what you are.

If intent on making somebody cry, it is far kinder to simply poke them in the eye.

So, be careful with your words and how you use them.  Recognise their power to build and to destroy.

Next time you're reprimanding someone, label what they've done so that they may learn and change.  Don't label who they are thus defining what they will become.

Fatty fatty bum bum

I seem be doing tremendously well at perpetually committing gross diet fail. I was a mere stone away from target thanks to the aid of illness a while ago and yet the target is now a guilty 21lbs away.  Plateaued or simply stagnated, same difference, either way the biscuits are calling me and if I don't have at least one chocolate bar a day I turn remarkably homicidal. Yet needs must in the absence of alcohol consumption and cheeky smokes one must seek alternative vices, I just wish they could be less calorific ones.

I suppose the one small grace is that whilst full miss piggy mode is activated my weight appears to fluctuate a mere pound or two, rather a far cry from previous obesity. There is an element of comfort in the knowledge that I don't turn into a complete heffer the instant I up my calories.

Yet I can't deny the wretched feeling of self sabotage. So close and I have to ruin it. My target is in sight, compared to what I have lost (3st 9lbs) a mere 21 pounds sounds ridiculously achievable, does it not? Yet egads It's proving to be a bugger of a challenge.

There is an element of rather false complacency in wearing size 12 jeans, finally.

However there are many contributing factors besides a piss poor level of will power that have the rather unfortunate effect of devouring my diet mojo such as stress (check), illness (check), a rather unfortunate impromptu lack of zoloft (check) and .... The School Holidays.

Now don't get me wrong I love the little sods to the moon and back but it doesn't change the fact that they are rather adept at driving me round the proverbial bend. Bickering day in and out requiring tiring never ending refereeing worsened by the atrocious bouts of weather resulting in us being unable to chuck then outside to play.

Due to a dire lack of money, no transport and bad weather not to mention the Chicken Pox interlude with The Toddler we haven't really been anywhere or done anything. We couldn't even let then spend more time with The Grandparents as first they had decorating going on and now The Mother has pissed off to Spain again as per the norm when the kids are off school.

Thing Two turns into a quivering wreck in busy places and all the decent parks are bursting at The seams with unsupervised hyperactive asbo kids and tremendously annoying teenagers with inappropriate language and unsavoury behaviour who seen intent on hogging all the children's play equipment. Not forgetting that just to get to many of the decent parks in the first place costs a small fortune on public transport.

Thing One is incredibly good at walking and regularly walks 5-7 mile round trips with The Husband yet poor Thing Two's limit is an admirable 2-2.5miles which although awfully impressive does somewhat limit where we can go. When they're at school, since assassinating my obesity I've found that I too can actually walk a 5-7 mile round trip, with a 26lb toddler on my back too and better still in some strange twist I actually, dare I say, enjoy it (or rather I mightily enjoy the tremendous amount of extra calories it allows me to stuff my face with)

All of these factors culminate in boredom too hence my over eating again to compensate. 

I have an astonishing lack of self control.

So to conclude this drivel, I need to get back on track yet have accepted that I have A better chance of success when The kids are back at school.

I will reach my target. I will. I owe it to myself.